I was telling someone no the other day when it dawned on me, this is totally a Shade of Shay.
Hi. My name is Shay. And I just say no. A lot. And never feel guilty. Ever.
I think I learned this from my parents. My parents are really social and involved people. They both own their own businesses, they’re both active in their church, involved in ministries, they’re in a dinner club, have tons of friends…but they never seem super busy or overwhelmed. Growing up, I watched them spend a lot of time doing a lot of great things and then often declining other things. And from watching them, I learned that it’s totally ok to say no.
As a woman, I think we’re asked a lot to do things. Maybe we’re asked to watch someone else’s kids, make a meal for someone, be room mom, be copy mom, be on this committee or that committee, sign up here, sign up there, donate this, donate that…we’re always asked to do stuff…and I think it’s ok to say no sometimes.
I say no for two reasons. The first reason is that I don’t want to stress myself out and use my time and energy on things that take me away from my family. If what you’re asking me to do will leave my kids with a sitter or a stressed out mama, then I probably should say no.
I also say no because when I do say yes, I want to make sure I can devote all of my time and attention to what I’ve agreed to do. I don’t want to be spread out too thin…instead, I want to be able to really commit to things and pour my whole self into it. If I’m already spread too thin, everyone suffers.
You could come up with some creative excuses…
…but I prefer this…
It’s amazing how many times I fret about telling someone no and then when I do, they act like it’s absolutely no big deal and I always think…geez, that was simple. Often little explanation is needed, just a polite no thank you.
I get asked a lot why I don’t seem frantic, crazy, stressed and such. People ask why my house doesn’t look chaotic and unorganized and I will say, a big part of that is that I really try and not over-commit.
(Side note, sometimes things are crazy…just Friday, Erika called and I told her I wanted to get into the fetal position and stay there in my sweats all day!)
So, that’s my simple little Shade of Shay today…ladies, just say no sometimes. You will be amazed at how good it feels to relieve yourself of unnecessary pressure, your friends and family will still love you, the world will still go round, life will go on and you will be super happy. Sometimes, you just have to say no.
But something you don’t want to say no to? My dinner tonight!
Aubrey says
This might be my favorite shade yet! I learned how to say no when I was 23 years old and it totally transformed my life. I stick to my guns and never feel guilty. The funny thing is, saying no to the little stuff freed me up to say yes to the big stuff. To focus on the things that TRULY matter. Like my husband, my kids, and helping people who are truly in need.
From what I read in your comments section, lots of young mamas out there try their best to emulate your personal style, your organizational skills, your time management methods, etc. Hopefully they can take a page out of your book on how to say no! You go, mama!
Tara G. says
Ditto. I think an unclear purpose or ill-defined set of priorities play a part in the I.ability to say no….because when those are clear, it's fairly simple to make a judgment call as to whether the activity/request will support or place unwarranted stress in the accomplishment of those. I have found others have a hard time with my "no" when they see a talent I have and assume I would jump at the opportunity to use it. Anyway, that's good wisdom you've shared!!
Alison @ Get Your Pretty On says
Powerful stuff! I love how you put your family first and try not to over commit. All of us mamas can use that advice. In my 20's, I was such a people pleaser and couldn't say no to anyone. Now I'm an expert at turning down invitations and opportunities that aren't on my priority list. It feels good to be able to make space for what matters. Awesome post!
Teresa Posey says
What a great reminder! It is not easy for me to say no. I have to reread the book Boundaries every couple of years- ha! You are absolutely right, though.
Kelly says
Wow! Just what I needed to read! Especially saying no without explaining why.
Thanks, once again!
Narci says
Well, you know I love this! 🙂 great job, mama!!
jen says
Yes!!!! I mean.. No! This was a wonderful post and I completely agree!
Sarah E @ theteacherswife.com says
I struggle with this a LOT! First, I'm a people-pleaser. Second, I WANT to help everyone. I am trying to set up some boundaries so I can keep my family a priority since they are my primary ministry. Great post!
Laci Murray says
I have a REALLY HARD TIME WITH THIS!!!!!!!! Thanks for the reminder that it's OK to say NO!!! 🙂
Laci Murray says
I have a REALLY HARD TIME WITH THIS!!! Thank you for the reminder that it's OK to say NO sometimes!! 🙂
Lily says
This is such a great lesson to learn! I'm glad that you are spreading the word that it really is okay to say "no" sometimes.
I have a question from yesterday's post. You mentioned that you don't drink any alcohol, and I was wondering what the reason behind that is? You mentioned before that both Andrew and Sean follow the same strict diet, do they ever drink alcohol? Or your parents? Just wondering, I know that can be a hard thing for some folks to avoid.
Laci Murray says
I have a REALLY HARD TIME WITH THIS!!!!!!!! Thanks for the reminder that it's OK to say NO!!! 🙂
Dana Vissage says
Thank you for this!! 🙂
Mix and Match Mama says
Nope, we're not really alcohol drinkers. I can't speak for everyone in my family but for me, I just don't like drinking calories. I prefer to eat my calories instead of drink them (so that's why I don't drink soda and such too!).
Angela Ellingson says
So good! I especially like the encouragement of not having to over explain, which I totally struggle with. And not having to feel guilty. This is so freeing. I hope you keep doing Shades of Shay even after you get to 52.
Angela Ellingson says
So good! I especially like the encouragement of not having to over explain, which I totally struggle with. And not having to feel guilty. This is so freeing. I hope you keep doing Shades of Shay even after you get to 52.
Brandi says
I'm learning to say no and it feels awesome!! Not just for me but for my whole family!!!! Great post!!
Anonymous says
Quick question… Did you always want to be a stay at home mom? And know you would? I don't have kids yet, but I often find myself wishing and hoping that soon I can stay home with kiddos! Just curious if you ever felt the way I do now which is wishing I could fast forward time a bit 🙂
Lauren Nelson says
Absolutely agree! I have had people comment on my ability to say no before, but because of all the reasons you just gave I am able to. Such a great reminder that I don't always have to give a reason!
Shelby says
Seriously my fav post you have done!! It spoke to my heart!!!! Ahhhh I have JUST been practicing this more in the New Year, & you're SO right– it's freeing & leads to a much more freedom to make your own life organized & time for the things that mean most to us.
Danielle says
A sweet mentor of mine always said to not feel like you have to give excuses when you say no. That was a huge game changer for me!
Melissa Miley says
Thank you for sharing this today! I struggle with saying "no" and needed this encouragement! I admire you and the decisions you make to put your family first. Thanks again!
Liz/happymommy says
I really love this Shade of Shay, thanks for sharing! You really are an inspiration in so many ways, I know people tell you that all the time and I have probably told you before too but honestly your blog is like a breath of fresh air to me….just love how real you are, good days, bad days and everything in between!!!
Caroline says
Shay, I always think, 'say no to good things, and yes to better things'!! Sometimes we have to decline good things… so we can been wiser and choose better things! Thanks for sharing!
Aubs says
Such great advice!! This was a tough lesson for me to learn and at times I still struggle with it but after seeing the difference it makes in my home when I am more available, both physically & mentally, it makes it a little easier! Just say no!! 😉
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes, I always knew I wanted to stay home with my kiddos :).
Mme. Simair says
Amen!
cathy b says
I agree that this may be my favorite Shade yet. Although I'm well past children at home and the crazy scheduling that goes with that, I still find it necessary to sometimes say no simply because saying yes creates a unnecssary stress. It was such a pleasure to meet you Sunday.
Slightly Askew Designs says
What a great read… Making room for what's important is on my short list of goals for the year. Loved this post, girly! 🙂
V @ X-tremely V says
I love this post! I have gotten better since my son was born saying no to things, but still can't get past the explanation. I need to work on that! 🙂
http://xtremelyv.blogspot.com/
Andrea Worley says
This is such a great thing to learn especially early on…I've been a "NO" person even before I had kids…knowing your limits is such a great thing to learn about yourself.
mel @ the larson lingo says
I am 100% a people pleaser. I don't want to let people down, so growing up, all through high school, college and my 20's, I ALWAYS said Yes. It wasn't until a few years ago that I learned the power of No. It feels SO good to say No and it's okay to say No. (This is something I STILL have to remind myself!) GREAT post!!!
Janice says
Great advice! I always struggle with saying "no" so this is something I needed to read!
Jaren says
I need to do a better job at this. I hate to disappoint others. I consider it a weakness of mine to worry so much about what others think of me.
By the way, I made your Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings…so yummy and comforting!
Cathy F says
Love this, so much wisdom! Shay, I look forward to your "52 Shades" posts every week 🙂
Tab & Erika says
I'm SO glad you always say "yes" to me!!! hahaha! Great post friend!
Anna @ The Things I'm Learning says
You have no clue how much I needed to read this today! Thank you for this post!
I try to do it all and I simply can't which leaves me frazzled and not my best for my people.
Sheri at The Loopy Ewe says
I have my own business as well, and the one phrase that I learned early on is:
"Learn to say no to the good in order to say yes to the best."
There are many good things out there to be involved in, but only a handful of things that are the BEST thing for you to participate in. Save your time and energy for those!
Jenna says
I love and appreciate your shades of shay! Running my dishwasher every night has changed my life! 🙂 Also, i woke at 450 this morning all because of you! Ha! im wondering if you could shed some light on how to say no. I realize so much of it is being led by the spirit. But there are so many "good" things. i feel like we have to be careful to not say no to everything. I guess lately im trying to find balance. Is girls night out ok once a month or once a week? How many committees at church? How often should we watch friends' kids or invite neighbors over? Obviously saying yes to everything wouldnt be healthy for me or my family. But saying no to everything isnt doing what God has called us to either. Do you have any suggestions on how you decide whats the rigt amount for you? Thanks!
Melissa says
This is so, so true. When I was younger, my mom taught me that "No is a complete sentence." No explanations are needed. That simple thought has helped me so much over the years.
Paula says
Good things/events are not always God things/events. Even within the church to many yeses can cause division in the home. First ministry we're given is in the home. Wise Momma you are!
Maryellen says
HI Shay: I've been reading your blog for about 2 months now and I haven't commented. But this one I could not resist. LOVE this post. Agree with you 100%. Very wise advise.
I need to take your advice more to heart. Thank you for the reminder.
Tamara @ The Workout Mama says
Loved this post!
Andrea says
Wow this was such a powerful post! My mom always told me not to be a doormat and learn to say NO. This is a very hard thing to learn to do! You are right though- prioritizing to make the most of our time with our babies is what is most important. Thank you for letting us know that it is ok to say NO and that people will still like us!!!!!
{Hi Sugarplum!} says
I hear you sister! My husband is actually a therapist and taught me the joy and empowerment of setting personal boundaries…which includes saying, No. Learning that has set me free! I'm not perfect at it, but I'm learning! I love that you observed it in your parents and you carry that out now…that's great incentive for me to be better so I instill it in my kids! xo
Kim M says
Such great advice Shay! As Mom to a 5 year old and an 11month old and teaching full time, I have had to get used to this. Not easy but it is such a relief not to commit yourself to things you do not have the time/energy for so you can give that time and energy for stuff you are really passionate about!! Like family! Thanks so for awesome advice/ideas/strategies always for busy moms!
Jenna says
Shay, I just wanted to come back here and say – I wasn't trying to bring any negativity to your blog. After I commented, I feared my words sounded that way and that was NOT my intention at all! As a stay at home mom of young children, I'm striving to find balance. I've loved Blue Eyed Bride's thoughts on creating "white space." I guess I was curious how you personally decide what is best? If we all said no to everything – new mamas wouldn't have meals brought to them, there would be no Sunday school teachers, etc. (obviously you know that). So again, just curious how you decide? One thing we have set up in our house is only being gone one evening Monday through Friday. That really helps keep our house and relationships where they need to be within our family. Being over committed doesn't help anyone!
Thanks for the inspiration to get up early also! I've always loved the morning, but you have pushed me to get up earlier. I'm on day 2 of 4:50 am 🙂 Look forward to your tips in the coming weeks. Thanks again for blogging!
Mix and Match Mama says
Hi Jenna! I completely understand! I took absolutely no offense. I never once in my post said to say no all the time but to say it when it's appropriate. I also stressed that we say no to free up more time to devote to the things we say yes too. I don't walk around with guilt about not serving any and everywhere at church. Guilt is from Satan and I don't play his games. When opportunities arise (at church for instance) when people need a service done or help with something, I first and foremost have to evaluate the effects on my family. If it will in any way have an adverse effect on them, I say no. I can't sacrifice my family for another cause. More often than not, I'm able to help and that's great (perhaps I was asked because someone else said no??). I have to take it one opportunity at at time…always focusing on my family's needs. I don't think we can throw out a blanket formula for what will always work. Thanks for checking back again!!
Sheaffer {Pinterest Told Me To} says
YESSSSSSS! Such a good post! You are becoming so wise as you age. 🙂
Maureen says
I need a lot of help with this. I currently teach full time, teach religious Ed classes, coach soccer, lead Girl Scouts, run numerous committees at school and drive my kids to multiple sports everyday. I only have two! I have a difficult time saying no to things. But your post was a reminder that I need to start.
Jenna says
Thank you again for your follow up on this topic. I really appreciate it! Thanks for sharing your successes!
Anonymous says
I almost bawled when I read this. Where have you been my whole life?