Over the last month, I have received hundreds of emails from you wanting to know more about our adoption process for your own family. I always answer every single email that is sent to me but due to the overwhelming volume I have received on this subject, there is just no way I can address each one. Instead, today, I’m going to take the most frequently asked questions and answer them here. Hopefully, this will help out the many of you who want to know more about our process.
Just one thing before we begin, I am only speaking about my experience. Each and every adoption is different and if we adopt again, that process will be totally different from this one. This is just answering questions based on our experience adopting Ashby.
Okay, you’ve asked and now, I’ll answer :).
How do you start the adoption process?
I was asked this question a lot. The process seems overwhelming in the beginning and many of you are like how we were several years ago…where do we begin? We began by finding an adoption agency (see that question below). Frankly, the process is overwhelming and having an adoption agency help you makes things much simpler. I think before you find an agency, it’s good to know what you’re looking for. They won’t know what suits your family, only you know that. I would really pray about what type of child is meant for your family (boy, girl, age, health, nationality) and go from there. The process starts with you imagining your family plus one :).
How long did the adoption process take?
Golden question, right? I wanted to know this too! My adoption agency was smart and didn’t tell us an exact time frame but when I asked around, people who had adopted before always said 9 to 24 months is pretty standard. Again, this isn’t based on any scientific data…just what I heard from the many people I asked.
We officially began the process on June 30, 2013 and received Ashby on January 4, 2015. So for us, it was right at 18 months. One of my best girlfriends Whitney wanted to adopt a little boy from China and we used the same agency, same home study agency, same social worker and began within about two weeks of each other and they received their little boy in August 2014…only 13 months of waiting. Every case is different based on a huge variety of variables.
How did you decide that you wanted a girl?
This was one of the first decisions Andrew and I made when we were contemplating adoption many years ago. We would walk around our neighborhood each night with our small babies after dinner and discuss adoption…it was on these walks that we decided that if we adopted, we would want a girl. We both prayed about it and really felt that a girl would be the best fit for our family. We just knew in our hearts that a girl was what we were missing.
How did you pick China?
Once we decided that we wanted a girl, we started thinking about where she would be from. China is kind of the obvious choice when you’re looking to adopt girls (I was told that 95% of their adoptions are girls). That being said, we looked into a variety of other countries but our hearts always came back to China. We prayed about it and in our hearts, a Chinese girl was the missing piece of our family’s puzzle.
How did you pick Ashby’s age?
When we started this process in June 2013, we wanted our new child to be younger than Smith and at the time, Smith was 3. With the help of our adoption agency, we began to get approval to adopt a girl between the ages of 0 and 36 months. We were open to (and approved for) any girl under 36 months. That was as specific as we got with age. Ashby is 2.5 right now.
Why did you have to pick a child with a special need?
Ahhhh…yes. I was asked this question a lot. China only adopts out kids with “special needs”. China has a one child law (meaning the majority of the people can only have one child and that’s it…many families pick to have a boy and give up girls if they’re born first). China realized several years ago that they were raising a generation of boys who won’t have girls their age to marry when they’re older, so they started keeping the “healthy” girls to be kept in orphanages until they’re older and can be released into society (there are lots of books written about this out there), so in order for a child to be adopted out of the country, he/she has to have a “special need”. This only pertains to Chinese adoptions.
How did you decide which special need you were looking for in a child?
This was a hard. Part of the Chinese adoption application was to chose from a list which special needs you were open to…and there were many (probably like 100 or so). Andrew and I discussed the choices with our pediatrician and were very selective. Our social worker was really big on telling us to make sure we fully understood each one we checked “yes” to. She kept saying for Kensington and Smith’s sake, make sure you understand what you might be getting yourself into. So many of the special needs listed we wouldn’t consider too serious in the US, but some were very serous. Once we received Ashby’s file, we had our pediatrician look over it and also a surgeon that specializes in her issue. I was very unfamiliar with Ashby’s particular problem but after research, physician opinions and such, we decided it was something we could deal with. I have a feeling that in the coming years, I’m going to be a mommy expert in her special need.
How did you pick an adoption agency?
This was probably my most frequently asked question! We got referrals from friends. Face Book is a wonderful place to ask friends and family for referrals (if not from them, from people they know). A few good referrals from people that have used an agency is my suggestion. Your adoption agency does not have to be in your state. Your home study agency does (which is a small portion of the adoption process and your adoption agency should help you connect with someone in your state) but your actual adoption agency can be out of state.
This was probably my most frequently asked question! We got referrals from friends. Face Book is a wonderful place to ask friends and family for referrals (if not from them, from people they know). A few good referrals from people that have used an agency is my suggestion. Your adoption agency does not have to be in your state. Your home study agency does (which is a small portion of the adoption process and your adoption agency should help you connect with someone in your state) but your actual adoption agency can be out of state.
How much money does it cost to adopt?
Our adoption agency laid out the financial schedule for us in the beginning, so that we knew upfront how much things would cost. You don’t pay for the child, but you do pay for a lot of services, paperwork to be filed, travel expenses and other fees like that. Some people pay out of pocket for the adoption, some people fundraise, some people collect corporate donations…I’ve heard of a variety of ways people get the money to pay for adoption.
Why does it take so long to adopt?
I was asked this a lot too. I wish I had a good answer. In our case, it took one year to find the perfect match for our family and then six months after that to get all of the paperwork in order to be able to go get her. It’s just a slow process.
What books did you read prior to adopting?
I read many books prior to leaving but my very favorite was Forever Mom: What to Expect When You’re Adopting by Mary Ostyn. It really combined the very best parts of all of the books into one. This mom has 4 bio kids and 6 adopted kids…hello perfect person to write a book.
What did you pack to take with you to China?
And I was asked a lot about what we packed, how I handled my kids and things like that. I’m going to refer back to several other Shades of Shay about travel:
Shade: What I wear/take/read on a trip
Shade: What I wear/take/read on a trip Part 2
Again, I’m so sorry I can’t answer every email that was sent my way. I am just so excited that so many of you are interested in adoption! My heart is so blessed that so many of you are considering adoption too. I’m excited to see what God has in store for our family of five.
Don’t forget to check out my foodie blog today…
My Mushroom Sausage Kale Pasta is for dinner tonight!
Erika Slaughter says
Super informative!!! So glad I have friends who are hearing God and listening!! What a testimony! XOXO
Macy Strozier says
Thank you for sharing with us. I'm planning on adopting when I'm older and you answered a lot of questions I had in mind. Hope Ashby is enjoying her new family and home.
kimm atwood says
What wonderful information!!!! Have a great day
Kelly @ Familiar Joy says
You story is so inspiring! I'm not sure adoption is in our plans, as we already have 4 kids, but this makes me want to consider it, for sure! Thank you for being so open and honest during your journey. Congratulations on becoming a family of 5. Ashby is just precious!!!
Sheaffer {Pinterest Told Me To} says
I think Step 1-10 for adoption is BE PRAYERFUL EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! Y'all were, and it was so wonderful to see your whole journey!
Carrie says
Shay, this is great information; I especially appreciate the book recommendation.
One item I would add with regard to ways to help pay for the adoption process is to look into the benefits of yours and/or your spouse/partner's employer. The company I work for offers reimbursement of adoption costs (up to a certain threshold, but in the case of my employer it is a few thousand – nothing to sneeze at). People may be pleasantly surprised at what is out there for financial assistance.
Narci says
Such a great list of information! This will be so incredibly helpful to families considering adoption! Xoxo
Paula says
Shay-
You're so gracious to share your beautiful journey in details. All the pieces of the puzzle have fit perfectly! That is ALL God! Hearing Him and acting accoraccordingly, you can see it throughout the process!
I love your post yesterday. That must have been almost equally as emotional as seeing your sweet girl the first time.Your family has an amazing group of friends & family. I can see the love beaming right out of the picture.
Anonymous says
I think you can still adopt healthy children from China too. The wait is just very, very long. A friend of mine just returned home with a non special needs daughter after a 7-8 year wait. I guess it is not common anymore though.
Mimi says
Yes you can still adopt no-needs healthy children. The wait is usually long and the child probably will be older. Friends of ours recently adopted a healthy boy and he is 3. They were in the process with him since he was 6 months.
Anonymous says
Everything about this is inspiring! It kinda reminds me of my favorite Christmas movie, "it's a wonderful life"… y'all will have no idea how many lives you may have touched and changed by sharing your life with us, your captive audience. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Blue-Eyed Bride says
I know so many appreciate you being so open and transparent and it will make others feel like this is something their families can do, too. I'm so happy your girl is home with you! Your sweet family sought God's will the whole time and I just know He will bless that. Xoxo
Kristen says
I love love this post! My husband and I have been praying about adoption for a few yrs now and plan on starting the process next year. We are also looking at china. Do you mind answering what adoption agency you used? Your sweet Ashby is amazingly beautiful and it's so awesome to see her sweet smile:) #1less
Anonymous says
Thank you so much for writing! I was adopted from China in 1999. The adoption process back then is very different from today. Unfortunately, the wait time is much longer to ensure both the child and parents will be a perfect fit, but in the end it's worth it!
Cindy says
I love adoption stories. Thanks for sharing. Our girl came to us from US at 8 months. She had a heartbreaking start to life, but is a trooper. A Judge will decide her forever future next month after being "ours" for 17 months. Adoption is not for the faint of heart, but the blessings are immeasurable. And it has grown our relationship with God and as a family.
Anonymous says
How much did your adoption cost? just to get a ball park figure..
Mix and Match Mama says
I've been told the average cost is between $30 and $35,000. Of course, that could vary.
Emily says
Hello 🙂 Just to give you another perspective my husband and I are in the process of adopting from foster care and it's free. Not only that but our kiddos are eligible for free health insurance until they turn 18 and free tuition at any state university. We're in Texas. Hope this helps!!
Sara Laverty says
Love your honesty!! I'm sure there are so many that are reading your answers and feeling so encouraged by your openness whether they're just considering or in the midst of adopting!!!
Katie Oman says
First – adorable picture of miss Ashby! Second – I didn't realize China still had these restrictions with number of kids. I thought that was the 'old days'. That just saddens me to the core 🙁
Third – thanks for sharing your adoption journey with us and inspiring others to pray to the Lord during what can be a very stressful journey. Even though we aren't going through adoption, it encourages me to be more prayerful of others in the process.
Anonymous says
We have an 8mo daughter we adopted at birth from Florida. Yes, the United States. We worked with Diane Hogan from A Step Ahead Adoption and we waited less than 1yr. It cost us around $40,000 ball park. Husbands job had benefits and we did Home Equity.
Chanell Krill says
HI, We are looking at signing with A Step Ahead adoptions. How was your experience? Any information would be greatly appreciated
Anonymous says
We've been so touched by your story and never thought we'd have more than our 2 kids but are praying about adopting now!
Shay, would you be willing to share the 3 photos you received of Ashby, and generally what info you had about her when making your decision about if she was "the one"?
Also, I'd love to hear what surprised you along the way. Is there anything you wish you knew before going through the process?
So thankful to you for sharing your story and your sweet family with us!
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes! That will come in the coming weeks!
Erin says
I know it's early on and I'm sure you'll have a lot of posts about Ashby and how she's adjusting (and how the older 2 are adjusting as well). I'm curious how she's handling the new environment, the new foods, new routines, a bigger home/more space and freedom, etc. Anxious to read a post about all of that! This post was super informative, I'm sure it will help a lot of people make their decision on whether to adopt or not. Thanks for sharing!
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes! I will be posting that in the weeks to come!
Pettals says
Loved following this journey, praying for your family and so happy for you all.
Much love from Sydney, Aus.
Petra
Anonymous says
I think it is great that you decide to adopt but I just have one question: why did you decide to adopt a foreigner and not an American kid? There are SO MANY in orphanages, probably down the road from where you live!
Mix and Match Mama says
We really prayed about all aspects of adoption. We have several friends who have adopted from foster homes in the U.S. and understand what a blessing that is too. I don't know…over several years, God kept calling us to foreign adoption and I'm so glad he did! That's where our Ashby was :).
Anonymous says
Can you tell us how you came to the conclusion on why a girl would be better for your family? I know it's a personal choice but you did open up yourself for this and you are very vague in your answers. Did you weigh pros and cons on either sex? How did that conversation go? from your reply it just seems like you both magically came to that conclusion. haha..
I think it's great that you are answering questions, but I'm curious as to why the replies are so vague and don't really offer an answer. No disrespect meant, I just really want to know because we are also interested in adoption and have been considering it for almost a decade we just haven't been able to see eye to eye on certain aspects, specifically how old we want our children to be when we begin the process. I have two young kids now, one still in diapers.
Mix and Match Mama says
Honestly, we both prayed about this for several years and as we thought about expanding our family, a little girl just felt like the missing piece. We both just kept coming back to girl. I wish I had a more scientific answer but honestly, it was prayer. Both of our hearts just felt like we were missing a girl. Sorry my answers seem vague. I tried to be as helpful as I could. This was honestly just our own personal experience.
Anonymous says
There are plenty of other books you can read/ people you can talk to. Mix n match mama is sharing her personal testimony and experience. Appreciate.
ProudAuntKaren says
Still so excited!! Shay, this is just a blast to watch… I am praying you have a long honeymoon period, and also, that the next stage is one still full of love, support, blessings, and not-so-bad adjustments. 🙂
Karen
Anonymous says
Shay, I would love to hear if there are any websites, other blogs, or other online resources that you found helpful when praying about this and throughout the process.
My husband and I are perfectly happy with our family of 2 kids. But hearing your story makes me wonder – why not make room for a third child, especially if there are so many children in need!
Mrs.M says
Now that she's home….how do you allow her to form that strong attachment to you and Andrew? Are you laying low at home the first month or so?
WhAt a sweet girl…thanks for sharing!
Amanda Long says
Wonderful Testimony. I didn't realize there were so many decisions in the process. And always wondered about the time ! Thanks for sharing Shay !
Anonymous says
Thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate it. I guess we need to pray more? lol..
Well, regardless of anything, I'm glad you found your missing piece (for lack of a better word). You are so fortunate to be able to add to your family in such an enriching way.
I know most people say Ashby is lucky, but I think it's the other way around! 🙂 Children are blessing in any way they come to us. Cherish all three of yours (which I know you do/will!).
Can you give us a little insight on how Ashby is adjusting? I would love to see her room! 🙂 So many requests, I know, but we're all curious!
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes!! More to come in the coming weeks. 🙂
Ashley says
Shay, this post was so informative–thank you for sharing! PLEASE don't let comments get to you or prevent you from sharing more in the future. Some of these comments are downright rude and invasive–I can't believe these are grown people making these comments. People also hide behind the "anonymous" name because they can. 🙁 You have given plenty of information and are clear that EVERY adoption case is different–because each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. This is just your story–thank you for sharing it! Domestic adoptions can have its pros but also major cons…we know a couple who just had to give back the baby had been caring for for the first several days of her life. Of course, it is a mother's right to decide to parent, but it is still heartbreaking for adoptive families who have their hearts ripped out and who have basically no rights. My best friend's youngest sister was adopted from China…she is now in seventh grade and is your typical thriving, sassy teenager! Although she may have been born in another country, her family and home were here. That is the wonder of adoption! Welcome, Ashby! Thank you, Shay and Andrew, for sharing this part of your family's journey!
Mary Alvar says
I totally agree Ashley. Some people have too much to say and are quite judgmental. You have a beautiful family and are blessed. It's no ones business as to why you chose the path you did, and you certainly shouldn't have to answer to "anonymous" comments.
Allison F says
Thanks for a great and honest post Shay! Ashby is too precious!!! And to piggyback off a commenter above – definitely check out if you and/or your spouse's work offer reimbursement for adoption. My work offers $8k, and $10k if it is a child with a 'special need'.
Sue says
Good Afternoon Shay,
Great blog this morning on your answers to questions that you had to compile from all your emails. You have mentioned a couple of times that Ashby is special needs. Can you tell us more about what Ashby has. She is so happy and vibrant and you all are so lucky to have her. It was touching on how you explained how parents can only have one child and they choose the boys over the girls which is quite sad. I look forward to more blog posts.
Luke and Jenna says
It seems like several people commenting have adopted or know people who have. I would really love some direction regarding agencies. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who has adopted internationally and am at a complete loss as to which agency to go with.
Bethe @ Texas Lovely says
Such helpful info – thank you! We're in the very early stages of knowing we want to adopt, saving money for the adoption, and asking everyone their stories, but it is SO OVERWHELMING. You don't know how great it is to share your story with those of us a little earlier in the process. Bless you and your family!
Chic Coastal Living says
Love all of this information. My neighbor adopted a little girl and she has been such a blessing to them and it did take about 18 months for the whole process. God bless you and I'm sure you have inspired many other families to consider this.
Unknown says
Thank you Shay, real food for thought xx
http://mama-of-boys.tumblr.com/
maureen says
So excited for your families new normal to begin! I have adopted 6 kiddos and I am praying and working on a sibling set of 6 to add to our family, God willing. I am very proud of your sweet family for sharing your adoption story with so many. God is using your family in BIG ways!! God bless!
Sarah E @ theteacherswife.com says
Thanks so much for sharing more details about the adoption process!! One question – what made you decide on an international adoption versus a domestic one? My hubby and I are open to adoption or fostering….we will see what God has in store for us. 🙂
Anonymous says
Your daughter is so blessed you found her and the unconditional love that you will give her! God Bless your family
Anonymous says
I have been following your story along with many others of course, and I just want to encourage you and thank you for your time! With 3 little ones life is busy and you still find the Time to share, encourage, and open your life up to us! I also want to thank you for your encouragement and love for our father through each post! All the answers you have are far from vague to me! I see the obedience and peace only the father can bring and I just want to personally thank you as you encourage and share in the up coming posts know you are reaching hearts for adoptions and showing the greatness of our fathers love! What a blessing you have been given! Ashby is perfect!
Jen says
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I can't wait to hear more about Ashby and see more pics! She's absolutely adorable!
Shannon says
I really enjoyed reading your entries on your adoption trip. It brought back lots of memories. Congratulations! We've adopted internationally three times (twice from China and once from Ethiopia). Our youngest was adopted from China in August 2013 and was a non-special needs adoption that we began in the spring of 2006. Yes, 7 years to adopt. Again, congratulations and thanks for sharing your family's journey with us.
Danika says
Really enjoyed reading all the info you provided here!
I think what some readers believe as being vague answers, are actually the most helpful responses Shay could have provided. It is clear that every adoption is very very different, so there is no one answer to all these questions. Whatever Shay chooses to share with us all is wonderful. Look forward to hearing about how Ashby is adjusting!
Jaren says
I knew China tended to favor boys, but I had no idea about all the specifics. That's so sad. As I've followed along and reading your post today, it is amazing the absolute trust you must put in God throughout the whole process. In the end, you know it was always meant to be. He was constantly guiding every decision you made!
The McCaleb Family says
Shay –
This post was so good! You know my husband, Jared McCaleb, and we are praying through our own adoption process. It has been so amazing to follow your family's journey and I think it is so great that you are creating so much "buzz" about adoption! We are so excited and expectant to start our journey and help to take up the cause of the fatherless!
Anonymous says
Can you tell me what agency you used?
Anonymous says
Can you tell me what agency u used?