Today’s Talk Amongst Yourselves Topic: Consequences.
As my kiddos get older, the types of consequences are different now then they were even a year ago. And I can’t even imagine how much it will change when they’re pre-teen and teen. Ideas??? What are some loving, encouraging, engaging, yet firm ways we can get our kids’ attention when they make poor choices? Ideas? Suggestions?
Andrea told me a story one time about how one of her students just couldn’t get his act together no matter what his parents did…so they finally resorted to taking away his condiments. Yes. Condiments. They told him he couldn’t have any ketchup, mayo, mustard and other condiments until he got his act together…and HE DID! Haha! I love that! Apparently, condiments were a big deal to him and that got his attention :).
Comment below with your suggestions!
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marla says
I love the story about Andrea's student. Brilliant on the parents part. The key for my husband and I was always looking at what they were really into at that moment. For us it was usually video games, phones, etc. but their were times that we called their coach or guitar teacher and told them they would not be able to participate until the behavior changed. Luckily, our boys were relatively easy and we did not have to deal with any huge, scary issues. We always stuck to the "we love you but not this behavior" even through the teen years because that's a time they really needed reassurance of our love. Oh and when ours were younger and they wouldn't stop touching either I would have them run outside around the house or lap around the backyard. At first they loved it but soon realized it was pretty much a drag. Yet, it was an easy, no voices raised way to stop their behavior. They would pop up and go run and come back with less of that fidgety energy……it was enough of an annoyance for them to break the current bad behavior. We also would use simple chores in the same way. If they started a negative behavior, we told them what they were doing and if they did it again, they were assigned a chore that they had to do immediately. As they got older we didn't always feel it was necessary to give them a warning…..they knew what they were doing and the less talking, negotiating, bartering the easier it was. Things could be addressed and dealt with without much of an issue or draining me of my energy. We always stayed connected even though the teen years by keeping an interest in what they were into….we would read a book they loved and discuss it, go to music concerts with them and listen to their music together so we could discuss it, things we would not have necessarily been drawn to. I loved every stage my boys have gone through and are still loving being a mom now as they are young adults. We always had 2 firm rules that drew the biggest consequence if broken: 1) always be respectful and 2) always tell the truth. That started as soon as they could comprehend and continues to this day. They learned at a very early age that those were nonnegotiable and knowing that served us well in the teen years. Good luck you will be fine and you will love it.
bmrobertson63 says
When I was in college, I nannied for a family with two preteen boys. When the boys kept leaving their towels in wet heaps on the bathroom and bedroom floors, the parents locked up the towels! Each boy received a hand towel, nothing more. Once the hand towels were all carefully hung up every day for two weeks, they earned back their towels! And, if a towel was ever to be found on the floor again (left behind by either boy), the system started all over again. I only saw that happen one time in 4 summers with this family :). This system, as we would come to find out, also worked with Lego blocks.
The way the parents explained the concept to the boys made it so simple and was a good learning opportunity for the boys. The things we have in your home are privileges, not rights and certainly not available to every child in the world. The boys were taught to respect the things and luxuries their parents worked hard to provide for them.
Angie says
This is similar to may parent's rule that if we slammed our doors, we lost them. They took it off the hinges for a week
Pat Frank says
Whenever I slammed the door, I had to stand there and quietly open and close it for something like 25 times. I learned not to slam the doors!
The Robbins' Nest says
This is such a hard one. Right now we just allow a lot of natural consequences. For example the rule is now toys or tv until all the morning chores are done. And there have been a couple of days he was just sitting watching his sister play for a awhile before he decided to do his chores. But, I can't wait to see what everyone says. I love the condiment consequence 🙂
Erika Slaughter says
I'm a condiment girl so I would have gotten my act together asap!!!
Narci says
Can't wait to read all of these comments today!! I bet there are some great ideas out there! 🙂
Sonia Salas-Limon says
I agree- love the condiments story! For my girls (Ages 15 and 8), they each have chores assigned to them, and when they are not done, or course there are consequences. For the oldest its electronics immediately and for the youngest…it's the Disney channel or her toys that get taken away. I think it is definitely geared towards whatever is of interest to them at any given age and explaining each time, that those items are luxuries not necessities and they must be earned. For example…my oldest has a cell phone on the condition that I have access to all apps and her grades are all A's and B's. There are benefits to trying harder, such as a $50 shopping spree when she earns all A's in a report card, and consequences for not trying, like being grounded from her phone for an entire 6 week grading period if she gets below a B. (I know that sounds stern, but she is really smart and just needs incentives to keep trying – if however there were ever a class that she truly struggled in – but really was trying – that rule would be adjusted accordingly). And let me tell you, that since she has had a phone I have seen only one C in her report card (6 weeks was an eternity in teenager time) and the older she gets the more enticing that shopping spree sounds to her…so there is much more effort with a lot less push from me!
Bailey McColl says
My parents had the same rule for me regarding school grades and the cell phone! As well as the shopping spree! The year I was supposed to get my drivers permit I was really slacking off..they told me if I got a C I wouldn't be able to get my permit until the next grading period..of course my rebel self thought they wouldn't go through with it. I got a C and didn't get my permit. Next grading period all As and a drivers permit and I never got a C again!
Full Time Wife Life says
I love that you adjust the grade rule according to whether they're REALLY struggling or just slacking. That kind of understanding by a parent is a beautiful thing for a child to have!
Sheaffer {Pinterest Told Me To} says
If I start acting out as an adult, Chris needs to take away tacos to get me back on track. But don't tell him that.
Kim says
Hilarious!! Mine would be Latte's 🙂
EC says
It really depends on your children and what they respond to. I have three (17, 15 and 10) and there are different consequences that they each respond to.
My oldest is a history nerd and volunteers about 700+ hours a year at an outdoor history museum. She willingly chose to be homeschooled to allow her more of an opportunity to "time-travel" back to the 1800s where she spends her days hauling hay and straw, helping care for livestock and training with oxen, and even helping to deliver calves. She doesn't care about the mall or boys or computer games, so being told that she can't volunteer is the only punishment that works for her.
My 17 year old is the difficult one (sorry, middle children). She's addicted to electronics, and that is an easy fix: I turn the router off for her phone so she can't access the internet, and restrict her phone so the only person she can call is emergency services and me. She's very much an introvert, so taking away access to her "social life" is something that resonates with her when she needs to improve her behaviour or attitude.
My youngest is pretty much the easy-going on, but his big thing is not being able to play with friends. He's extremely social and it slays him when other kids are riding their bikes after school or playing in the street. He also swims with a club, and if he's in severe trouble (doesn't complete homework on time, etc) then he can't go to practice and is questioned by his coach.
When I observe my friends and their children, the biggest thing that I see that is missing is a lack of consistency. One friend, in particular, has a child who acts out aggressively and is usually always in trouble. The tough thing is that she and her husband have such varying reactions to the child's behaviour, and so on one day she might put him into timeout and he will sit for two minutes before sneaking off (and then she does nothing), but her husband goes into a full-on rage and will grab the child and put him in the car and the entire family has to leave whatever activity they were previously enjoying to go home. There is absolutely no middle ground.
I'm not saying my kids are perfect, but I work with motivating them for good behaviour and that helps diminish poor choices. It doesn't work all the time, but when you have other parents coming up and commending your child for being nice/polite, it does make you feel good. That said, I make it a point to always compliment other children who behave appropriately to them and their parents ("So and so thanked me for driving him home the other day. That was so sweet. He's such a great kid and I love having him around.") to reinforce the positive attitudes.
Hilary says
I agree! You have to find your child's currency. What is their true LOVE? Time outs are not as effective as taking away my child's number one thing. The most important this is to remain consistent, and stick to your word. In our house we show Grace…like Jesus did one time. After that we mean business!
Melanie Lien says
I completely agree with this statement. I know my parents took away things for awhile, but when I got into high school age if my parents gave the "we are disappointed in you" look or speech I was instant tears and never doing it again!
SarahN says
My kids are 11-13-15 (boy-girl-boy) At any given time, any combo of the 2 are arguing about something. If it doesn't get resolved in a timely manner, I have been known to put them in the 1/2 bath together until they not only resolve it and apologize, but come out giggling and best friends. Once my boys were fighting so badly at our friend's home, I had to put them in a bedroom together. By the time they came out, one had painted the other one's toenails (which was funny as they were boys) and they were getting along again. It's not the best answer to fighting, but it makes them work it out themselves. And now if I say, "you guys are heading to the bathroom"…they stop quickly.
Melanie Lien says
I love this!
Elizabeth says
I would look into Love and Logic… It was designed for classroom teachers but can easily be applied to home life.
He said She said says
Amazing book! They have Parenting with Love and Logic. By Jim Fay and Foster Cline. I'm an elementary counselor and use this book and recommend all the time!
Keri Brown says
Now that mine are teens, taking the cell phone pretty much does the trick, but when they were elementary age, I was known to make them write sentences and sometimes even essays. For example, not getting along with their sibling, they would write I love and their siblings name 10 or 20 times, not doing a chore or and assignment at school? My daughter procrastinated about doing a project until a Sunday night due on a Monday that could in no way be done in one night. She not only had to do the project, she had to write an essay for me on responsibility. They HATED this type of punishment and it was very effective. And they are both older and there are no long term effects lol. They will tell you they hated writing sentences!
Melanie says
Goodness, the condiments idea is genius! Love these talks:)
KRISTIN TATE says
They were just talking about this on KLOVE. They said to match the discipline with the child, so if taking something away affects them then do that, or isolation. You have to discipline differently for each child. My 1st grader doesn't like to be alone so when he has done wrong he is sent to his room or organize his books, or clothes in the dresser, or find toys to donate.
Karra says
You're a long way from this, but when I was in 8th or 9th grade some of my friends or siblings of friends were starting to drive and take us places. My parents always wanted me to call when I got somewhere and sometimes I forgot. One time I went to dinner and then bowling and forgot to tell my parents we were staying out after dinner and had no service at the bowling alley. They got so worried that they couldn't get a hold of me. My punishment was to call every hour on the hour for 30 hours. I had from the :58 to the :02 to call and leave a message on my dad's voicemail and if I was late or missed an hour I had to start over. I had to wake up in the middle of the night to call, too! Let's just say I never forgot to call again! 🙂
xoxo Karra
http://kaybeeelle.blogspot.com/
Full Time Wife Life says
I am excited to read what everyone says! We homeschool, so I feel like my kids are sick of hearing my voice 24/7 and just tune me out. Ideas regarding discipline that is swift and doesn't require lots of explaining would be great! haha
Brady Wilhelm says
I'm glad to see this topic! My kids are 4 (boy) and 3 (girl) and they have just started fighting CONSTANTLY. We have them in time outs, have taken away toys/TV/fun events, etc. I know it's worse because it's summer and preschool isn't in session and they're together literally 24/7, but I have to find SOMETHING that works! I'm going crazy!! Any suggestions?
Kelly says
Honestly I was not great with consistency, and regret that now (even though I really do have great girls- I could have made life easier for everyone if I had listened to my husband- ugh… thank God for His grace and mercy!). However, my favorite discipline was when we told our freshman in high school daughter that if she didn't correct whatever the issue was, she would lose her blow dryer and straightener. Immediate results! I also told my girls if they kept giving me grief over clothes they would have to wear their private school uniforms to their new public high school- again, highly motivating for teens:-)
Happylife38 says
Taking away the blowdryer and straightener: genius!! That would work on me now, and I'm 40…lol!!
The Nelson Happenings says
We all need motivated and sometimes the removal of what drives us is the biggest consequence ever.
Motivators such as extra time on their iPads or extra time up in the evening on the weekends are wonderful motivators !!!
Leigh Clark says
Ohhhhhh I can't wait to read these comments! With an 8 and 6 year old, our discipline and rewards are evolving and these ideas will be great. I am thankful to have two children who have dedicated their lives to Christ – so our discipline now can shift to what God asks of us and teachable moments!
The Lindquist Family says
Looking forward to reading everyone's comments! I have a 18 month old and I have worked as a preschool teacher and as a counselor at camp. One thing that has worked for me is to pull the child aside that has made the poor choice or is having a hard time controlling their emotions. I have found that removing them from the situation and talking to then away from their peers helps a lot. It keeps them from feeling more embarrassed and helps calm them down. They I help them understand their emotions, like are your frustrated? Are you sad? Etc. Then I tell them it's okay to feel this way but they can make a better choice (like "I know you're frustrated but please don't hit your friend, why don't you try using your words in a nice way to tell your friend what made you feel frustrated" or something along those lines). Tell them to calm their bodies and take a minute and when they are ready they can try again. You can use this as a great starting point and then after they have calmed down you can talk to them more if you think they need it. This approach comes from a place a love and concern and is super beneficial for the child.
Another big thing is positive reinforcement. Being proactive. When you see your child doing some positive point it out to them. Tell them something like "I love how well you are sharing your toys with your little brother, you are so kind" etc. This will reinforce the positive behavior and boost their self esteem. Plus, they'll ve getting attention for the positive things they do. It goes a long way being proactive!
And of course natural consequences are key. No empty threats and the consequences have to meaningful to the child.
Can't wait to read what everyone else posts!!
Lauren Fruge says
My mom gave us the world's worst punishment for arguing between my brother and I: we were each sent to our rooms until we could write 3 nice things about the other person and could tell them to each other face to face.
Courtney Reed says
I am getting my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and one of the biggest ideas that is stressed is to let natural consequences happen. When you begin giving rewards and money for things such as grades, the child will never learn to get good grades simply because it makes them feel good. Will money for grades continue even in college? It is an idea that most parents have good intentions with, but unfortunately it does more harm than good.
Heather says
This is really interesting to me. My parents NEVER rewarded me for good grades, while classmates' parents did, and at times I get jealous of them. Yet, I always made good grades and was super self-motivated in college and law school.
brittanybaker says
If you're looking for a great resource on how to give choices, check out a DVD called "Choices, Cookies, and Kids". It's by Garry Landreth, the creator of Child Centered Play Therapy. He explains choice giving in a way that helps the child take responsibility for their actions so that they learn self-control and natural consequences (also taking some of the pressure off the parent!) He stresses being consistent and giving choices that the parent is okay with enforcing. The DVD can be a bit pricey, but I assure you that it's worth it. I have worked as a play therapist with many families and the concepts within this DVD are so simple, but can truly change the dynamics within a family.
Hope says
Once when my brother and I were about 12 and 14 (I'm the oldest), we were bickering like crazy at dinner and wouldn't stop. My mom had enough of it, so she made us hold hands with interlocking fingers, then she taped us together and made us clear the table, wash all the dishes, and sweep the kitchen and dining room that way! We learned very quickly how to get along and get it done!
Jaren says
I've recently read the book, "If I Have to Tell You One More Time…" by Amy McCready, and it is full of great strategies. We struggle a lot with attention-seeking behaviors since having our third and now fourth child. This is especially true with my 7 and 8 year old. She starts by advising the number one way to get rid of a lot of behavior problems (mostly caused by a lack of attention) is to spend 2 – 10 minute time periods one on one with each child a day doing something fun that they want to do. She also goes into Logical Consequences and Natural Consequences in great detail. I learned a lot reading the book.
Lisa C says
Having the ability to see what makes each child tick is key. Consequences cannot be the same for the same offense because each child is different. It's tough then explaining why child A gets this consequence for this offense but child B gets this consequence for the same offense. While it's not very satisfying for the child sometimes, the answer "because I'm the parent" is really all that's needed. Parents sometimes over explain themselves or try to justify punishments. It's not really what happens in the real world. A cop does not care why you were speeding. The IRS doesn't care why you filed your taxes late. The consequences are there because you did the "crime." Good luck!