Happy Wednesday! It’s time for this month’s LET’S LOOK!
If you don’t know what this is, once a month, Erika and I do a little link up where we “look” at different aspects of our lives (and then if you blog, you share and link up too!). We have been doing this little linky party for years now, and it’s always one of my favorite posts each month because most of the topics are YOUR suggestions!
Just as a reminder, here’s what we’ve “looked at”so far this year…
In January, we looked at LOW LEVEL GOALS FOR 2025.
This month, Erika and I are sharing a look at HOW WE WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE.
This was one of the more highly suggested topics when we polled you guys at the end of last year. I’m not sure any of my “tips” below are groundbreaking, but I hope you find at least one of them encouraging as you navigate marriage…because marriage can be HARD. (It can be amazing too 🙂 .)
In no particular order, here are TEN ways Andrew and I work on our (almost 21 year) marriage…
#1: THERAPY
I’m just going to get to the real stuff right out of the gate. Andrew and I went to pre-marital counseling before we were married and throughout the last 21 years, we’ve gone back for tune ups when necessary. Sometimes, you just need a third party to speak into situations/life/whatever, and it’s been really really effective for us. There have been seasons when we’ve gone individually and seasons when we’ve gone together, and it’s always been very positive for both of us. The older we get, the more we have realized just how important treating the whole person is which includes the emotional/mental health side as well. We’re fans of taking care of kiddos’ emotional wellbeing too, so if for whatever reason, you still feel there is a stigma around going, let me remind you that it’s 2025…and in 2025, we are applauding taking care of your mental health, and I feel very confident everyone here would agree. Therapy can be a game changer.
#2: TIME TOGETHER
Hi, my name is Shay, and I spend a lot of time with my husband. A lot. And I love it. I know not everyone can spend a lot of time with their spouses for a variety of reasons (military for example!), but I think whatever time you can spend together, it’s important to make it quality time.
Here are some things we do to get more “quality time” in:
Almost every single night, Andrew and I sit down and chat. Yes, yes, yes, there are nights when we have two football games, soccer practice and carpool and simply cannot do this, but for the most part, every day, we can carve out a few minutes to sit together without the TV and without the kids and we chat. Sometimes, we chat for five minutes and other times, we’ll chat for an hour…we just like to sit and visit about our day, things going on, etc and have quality time just us.
Andrew and I like to eat dinner with our kiddos at night, so we don’t often have date nights. We’ll go on a date night with friends or other couples from time to time, but it’s kind of rare for just the two of us to get out for a date because we like having the kiddos with us. What we do like to do in lieu of a bunch of date nights though is go on little trips together. For us, getting away for a night or two or three is amazing for our marriage and really “fills the tank” until the next time. If you are fortunate enough to have amazing grandparents (like us!) or friends that would love to dote on your kiddos from time to time, I highly recommend a night away whether it be at staycation or actual vacation. Getting away just us is always good for our marriage.
We wake up together, and we go to sleep together. In the morning, he’s the first person I see and at night, he’s the last. Just having that time to begin and end my day makes me really happy…even if it means staying up a little later just to be with him.
#3: INTIMACY
I don’t know about you, but it’s really hard to be close to someone if you’re not engaged with them. I think this is a REALLY important part to our marriage.
#4: WE LAUGH…A LOT
We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other…we don’t take anything too seriously, we are lighthearted together. We laugh…a lot! The minute I start taking myself or him too seriously, that’s just not fun, and I like to have fun. How can you not enjoy someone you’re laughing with all the time?
#5: WE DON’T KEEP SCORE
It took me a bit to work on this one, but I have learned the older I get and longer I’m married that I just don’t need to keep score. I need to show up every single day and be the very best wife I can be regardless of him. If I feel like I’ve done “all the work” this week with the kids and the house and whatnot, I don’t need to keep score. I did my part…and I did it well, and that’s important. There WILL BE a week when I’m slacking, and he’ll pick up my part. It will all shake out in the end if we’re both just trying to be the best husband and wife we can be. If I start keeping score, everyone loses.
#6: WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM
I’m on Team Andrew. I might think he’s wrong. I might disagree. I might have done it differently, but I’m on his team. Sure, I’ll mention it to him later in private, but in front of anyone else, he’s my guy and I support him. Which leads me to…
#7: WE DON’T TALK BAD ABOUT EACH OTHER
Never. In 21 years, I have never called my mom or a friend to “bad mouth” Andrew. Trust me, I bad mouth to HIM often (he’d be the first to tell you!). Oh, I get realllllly mad at him and let him know it, but we work it out and it stays there. We don’t speak poorly of the other to outside people. I personally just don’t see how that can create anything healthy in my marriage.
#8: WE PLAN FOR THE FUTURE
All the time. Geez, we love these kids. For the love, WE DO NOT WANT THEM TO GROW UP AND LEAVE US. But let me assure you, we will not be sitting around looking at each other like strangers. This guy and I have plans. We get excited about these plans. We talk about these plans. Having kids in our home will without a doubt be the very best chapter in our book, but there will be other chapters too and we plan on making those great. When it’s all said and done, I hope we’re married at least 70 years, but if so, only about 22 of those will be with kids in the house. We better want to spend time just the two of us.
#9: WE ARE THE OTHER’S BIGGEST FAN
I support him, and he supports me. Over the last 21 years, we’ve both started businesses, hobbies and passions that were truly own own…but the other was our biggest fan and cheerleader. It’s a running joke that Andrew did not understand this whole blogging thing and he wasn’t exactly on board at the beginning…but he supported me. (Clearly, I’m about to hit the 18 year mark!) He didn’t “get it” (as few did in 2007!), but he got ME and encouraged me to continue my endeavor.
#10: JESUS
Well clearly, this is the only thing that really matters to Andrew and me. This whole post boils down to this one thing here. Jesus. Andrew and I invite Jesus into our individual lives every single day. He is the foundation for both of us. We lean on Him and that has helped shape our marriage more than anything else. I know that not everyone has a spouse with the same spiritual walk as them, but I think it really has so much to do with your individual relationship. The closer I am to the Lord, the closer I am to my husband. I just have to give it to God every day and allow Him to make me the wife my husband needs. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is my answer for everything but especially for my marriage.
Clearly, my list could have been much, much longer…but these are the first 10 I thought of for today. I know some of you are in terrible marriages. I know that my words mean nothing because I am in a good marriage and you are not. I am really sorry for those of you who have been or currently are in marriages that are just HARD. I know and love lots of friends who currently are or have been in bad marriages, and I wish I had some magical advice to give you all. I hope if nothing else today, you see point #10. I don’t know what the Lord has planned for you and your terrible marriage, but I hope you take it to Him. That’s my prayer for many of you today…that you take your awful, yucky, situation to Him for the courage to do what you need to do (which could be work harder or in some cases with some abusive terrible people, the courage to leave). I don’t know? I always hesitate with posts like this because marriage is hard and many of you have really had it hard, and I don’t want you to think I don’t see you. I see you today and am praying for YOU.
Okay, next time on Let’s Look, we are going to look at…
…HOW WE RESET FOR THE WEEK ON SUNDAYS!
Ohhhhh I’m excited about this one!
That’s it for today! If you linked up today with us, please make sure you add your link below.
If you have marriage advice to share, I welcome it in the comment section! Please, please, please share!
Sending so many of you love today! xx
Alison says
Great list, Shay!! I will use some of these. Thanks for hosting the link-up, and I can’t wait to read others advice. Have a great week!
Elspeth says
What great advice! Thanks so much for sharing!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
Julianna says
I’ll add: Going to bed at the same time. If I’m not tired, I’ll read for a bit. If he’s not tired, he might watch something on his phone. But the physical presence at the end of long/crazy days is very comforting.
Brandi says
I loved this post! Thanks for the encouragement to love and serve my husband the best that I can, it’s not about keeping score!
Elizabeth Feldpausch says
I think you could have only put number 10 and it would have been a complete list all o no it’s own. 🙃
Jess says
Thank you so much for sharing! It’s always a good reminder that therapy is necessary and healthy even for marriages that are happy and strong. And I love the reminder to support each other and always have each other’s back. Even though my spouse and I have had to spend a lot of time apart due to obligations (thank you for the military shout out 🥰) it’s been important to support each other and maintain friendships with people who respect that as well! Thank you so much and have a wonderful day!
Stacey says
Thank you Shay! You effectively and sweetly shared what you do/contribute to your marriage. None of us are guaranteed an outcome, but knowing that the One who holds the future loves us unconditionally brings hope and healing. Thank you for a post that is vulnerable, optimistic and faith-filled. Thank you also for addressing those reading who are in challenging places. Praying that this post inspires and encourages those who read!
Charman says
Shay, thank you for this post. I have read your blog daily for many years, though I have commented only a few times. I want to affirm what you have written today. My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. He is a pastor, and a big part of our ministry is supporting marriages in various stages and conditions. I appreciate your candor and your insight. Your observations and practices demonstrate wisdom for life. I also commend the compassion and encouragement for the hurting in the last part of the post. Well done!
Mix and Match Mama says
Well goodness, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I am very grateful for them. xx
Paula says
Great post, Shay on marriage. I love all ten and agree 110%. Especially with faith & hope in Jesus. When we become who we are in Christ first and allowing that relationship to to fullfil us, then we can come to marriage healthy and pour into it. We are unable to travel, so dates are our priority.
Prayers for those who are in tough marriages.
Dawn Timmons says
Thanks for sharing, Shay! I love how you and Andrew show your reliance on Jesus. You show your realness and are sensitive to others who may not have a good situation right now. Thank you for your willingness to discuss things that have the opportunity to encourage and inspire people. You (and Andrew) do that for me. I know I am not the only one. Keep on keepin’ on.
Pam says
These are all spot on to keep a marriage healthy and growing and epecially #10. Great post from a retired Marriage and Family Therapist who just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary in December.
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh my gosh! GOOD FOR YOU!!! That is amazing!
Lisa D says
Pray for each other, and pray together
Don’t be afraid or too busy or whatever to ask for help
Be each other’s cheerleader
Be kind. Forgive
Paula Hobbs says
So much love and wisdom in this post, Shay! Your marriage radiates love. Not only for each other, but for Jesus first and foremost. Thank you for sharing. I spent many years in a not so great marriage, but He helped me through that season and led me to the love of my life and for that I am forever thankful. Happy Wednesday!! 🙂
Stephanie says
Amen to ALL of those! Thank you for the honesty ❤️
Rachel G says
One of my best friend’s mom has a 4 Ps- Present your Partner Perfect in Public! This has stuck with me before marriage and in marriage. Even though neither of us are perfect, we present each other well to others and something I have passed to others.
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh I LOVE that!
Lindi says
You got it with #10. Jesus is the only Firm Foundation on which to build a life, a home, a marriage and a future. Everything else is sinking sand.
Sarah says
May God continue to bless your marriage and family.
Alyssa J says
Such wise tips/advice! Thank you for sharing and for always being genuine.
Penny says
Your words are always positive and affirming. Jesus IS the answer, regardless of circumstances. Prayer is powerful and I love that your blogging platform is used to encourage others, pray for others, understand and acknowledge women from all walks of life. Everyone’s journey is different. Recognition of such is mighty. Thank-you for your personal insight and willingness to share.
Lori says
Do you see an in-person counselor or virtual? If it’s virtual, will you please share the practice/practitioner?
Mix and Match Mama says
Over the years, we have done BOTH! If you’re looking for virtual, we have both used Better Help and loved it.
Katie says
Do you have a marriage devotional or book you recommend? I am currently reading the love and respect book you said made a great impact on you.
Mix and Match Mama says
Well that’s the one I would recommend. Outside of that one, I don’t know that one stands out (not nearly as much). For parenting faith-based books, anything by Sally Clarkson and honestly, just her talking about parenting really says a lot about her marriage.
Karah Stracener says
I recommend the book Vertical Marriage by Dave and Ann Wilson. They also have a podcast. It is an excellent read.
Mix and Match Mama says
YES!!! I love that book! I totally should have thought of that one too. I know them in real life, and they are LEGIT amazing.
Debbie says
This is SUCH an important post! Couldn’t agree more with all your points. I would add a few good books: The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller and Now You’re Speaking My Language by Gary Chapman. Both writers give clear examples of how to create a good marriage or work on yourself to repair one.
Mix and Match Mama says
THANK YOU!!!!! I am grateful for these resources!
K.K. says
Oh, Shay, I love all of these. I’m just getting started in this marriage thing, even though I’m your age, and these all resonate with me. The biggest thing I have figured out in just over a year has been – what I want or need in certain situations may not be what he wants or needs. People are different – (hello, how is this a surprise?!). I see it when I want to comfort him, and he just needs a few minutes of space to process, when I think it’s natural to hug him and be close to him (because that’s what I like). I think listening, communicating, and responding to him with his own preferences has been a best lesson in how to love him well so far. 🙂
Leslie says
These are great reminders. I’d love therapist recommendations in the local area especially if it’s Christian based!
MICHELLE OKERLUND says
Love this post! Definitely had me thinking about how we respond to each other. I realized that we have to pick our battles and that neither of us is perfect. We laugh every day and enjoy spend time together. Our kids are grown, so its just us. We love and respect each other very much, but there is always room to make our relationship better. Relationships are hard, but ours is definitely worth the work, time, and effort. Thank you for the reminder!
Blake G says
Such a great post!
#7 is always my “piece of advice” to younger couples, even if you think it’s a “joke” in front of others.
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes and AMEN!
Ruthie Abrusci says
Therapy! If you and your spouse are struggling with peaceful parenting, peaceful conflict resolution, seemingly overreacting, etc… one or both of you may have unresolved trauma. Do some research on trauma responses and what it might look like to have PTSD. After starting therapy when we were 40- after 6 children and almost 20 years of marriage (this was almost 5 years ago), both my husband and I unearthed childhood trauma and were able to get so much healing. Having someone guide you through facing hard things, healing, and guidance for more peaceful resolution of current issues- such a game changer! Our parenting and our marriage is so much stronger. I wish we’d done it at the start of our marriage. Better late than never!
Marisa Patel says
Thank you for the gentle reminders, it is always good to go back and review to see where we can improve the care of our marriages.
Christina says
What a beautiful and honest post, thank you for sharing.
Patty Anderson says
I’d add…learn each other’s love languages. NOT the ones you want to receive. Figure out which one your spouse wants to receive. And one we learned early on (we just celebrated 40 years) is to out serve each other with no expectation of receiving anything back. Always look for ways to out serve one another, and you’d be surprised at how it fulfills you too.
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes!!!!! That is a great book to recommend too!
Katie Hahn says
LOVED this post! You two are such a great example of a wonderful marriage and how amazing that you can show your kids what that looks like too!
Gail says
Oh, the Laughing Together is SO important. Yesterday we stopped for a Coke and French Fries to share and one of us said ‘these are Freakishly Fantastic French Fries’ and we started laughing and the whole rest of the day we came up with the Funniest sentences using F as the base. ALL day long we laughed like lunatics! So good, because we were actually coming back from a Cancer treatment and the laughing was just a little gift from Jesus to us.
Alyssa Norman says
This is so encouraging to read. In a society that’s so eager for quick fixes and selfishness ( sorry, but true) it’s so nice to hear from someone who values the sanctity of marriage and has real advice/ encouragement for those who feel the same! I always try to steer clear of the women who are quick to husband bash- I would hate if my husband did that with his friends why would I do it with mine!?
Totally agree spending time together/ making time for each other is SO important. With 4 small kids, date night are sometimes more trouble then they are worth but EVERY weekend we have mini “date nights” at home after the kids go to bed where we make a cheese board or fun snack, and chat, or play games. It’s something we look forward to every weekend and really helps keep us grounded!
Having a strong faith grounds us too, and hope more people can find the power of Jesus. Thanks for sharing ❤️
Ashley Manarino says
As a newlywed (almost 4 months!), I love hearing advice from those who have been married much longer than we have.
Thank you for sharing!
stacie says
Love this post – Thank you
Elizabeth McLenna says
We need a Shay and Andrew Podcast! Always love when you do videos with him. I loved all of these. The keeping score one was a great reminder.
Laura C says
I loved this post even though it was a tough one for me to read. I very unexpectedly lost my husband of 39 years in a freak accident. We were empty nesters and looking forward to retiring, going on vacations and spending lots of time with our kids and grandkids. I never thought I would be a widow at age 57. But reading this post resonated how much I miss the laughter. He always made me laugh, even when I was mad at him! And we always had Jesus at the center of our marriage. We were so young and in love when we started out and carried that love through the years. And yes, there were hard years. I was the lucky one to have him for 39 years, I just wanted more time.
Great tips for a marriage. Thank you.
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh Laura, I am just so sorry. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. We are all so grateful. xx
Tiffany says
Ugh man, this breaks my heart. Praying for you, Laura!
Tiffany says
I loved all of these so much, such a great list! I heard Holly Furtick once say “don’t nag your husband, nag God.” I loved that advice too.
Jill says
I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are grateful for the time you had with your husband but miss him terribly. Wishing you grace and peace as you navigate this new period of your life.
Karen says
You are wise beyond your years! Great advice for any marriage! As a much older person, I notice that young people don’t acknowledge the importance of getting married and staying married, through thick and thin. You give me such hope for future generations. Thank you!❤️❤️
Kim Converse says
This is such a great list! You reach so many people and are so wise! Married almost 36 years and the things in this list will conquer most problems anyone will face…Because JESUS!!
Tiffany says
I loved all of these so much, such a great list! I heard Holly Furtick once say “don’t nag your husband, nag God.” I loved that advice too.
Erika Slaughter says
Great list of helpful tips!
Kimberly M. says
THANK you for number 1!!!!!!!!!!!! Personally, I struggle with anxiety (not related specifically to my marriage) but in a general sense. Therapy has been so instrumental in helping me! It makes me so encouraged to see other women of faith promote this. I am grateful for the tools I have learned in therapy in dealing with some of the more difficult things in life. Thank you for helping break a stigma that should never have existed in the first place!!
Sheaffer says
I heard once to always assume the best intentions from your partner. I loved that because I always want Chris to assume the best intentions from me too!
Keisha Dawson says
I love this all so much! This is the perfect list and things that my hubby and I stick to after 24 years of marriage. I love that man so very, very much!
sandi says
The world needs to see great marriages! We are reading A Couple’s Guide to a Growing Marriage by Gary Chapman (just started, so far it is good) and even after 26 years know that we have things to learn about marriage and each other.
Maggie says
This is such a sweet and helpful post! I think often people are so quick to bail out on marriage, when there is so much truth to what fruits come from truly investing in and nourishing it. To your point at the end, sometimes its the right thing to leave. However, the more we can showcase marriage as something you work hard to make wonderful, the better. The working hard is what makes it so rewarding, a “look what we’ve created”. Such a sweet post.
Erin Stivender says
These are great ways to work on a marriage! I once remember some advice from a mentor mom in mom’s time out……start greeting your spouse with a hello and how was your day?
It sounds simple, but even when a wife didn’t feel like it, she did it. It saved her marriage because that simple communication and care overflowed to other parts of their relationship.
Megan Perkins says
You have such an amazing way with words. You are so positive, enthusiastic and real but you always manage to be mindful of others too. I think that is one reason your blog is so enjoyable to read. You are mostly very in touch with the fact that not everyone’s life is like yours, and you present that in a way that is genuine and caring.💗
Mix and Match Mama says
Well goodness, this means so much. Thank YOU for the encouragement and support. xx
Katie Stewart says
#7 and #10. 🙌🏼
I can’t speak for my husband but I do not speak negatively about my husband. He gets plenty of mouthing FROM me but I never want to be someone who airs our business to anyone else.
And Jesus. None of it works without Him.
Valerie Patton says
You put together a great list. My husband and I have followed all these ideals for 46 years and they are tried and true. We each wake up every morning thinking about what we can do that day to love each other more. And laughter! Lots of laughter and fun.
Lydia says
My husband and I do a weekly practice of a marriage journal and it is SO positive for our marriage. I can’t recommend it enough! https://www.beating50percent.com/products/themarriagejournal?srsltid=AfmBOoqzThVitucj5sHHTTbtU_WgOwkPlLJSknLLQuGlcUgjfcIfO7Fj
Alden Grace says
The best piece of marriage advice that I ever received:
“Over the course of your marriage, you will be married to several different people. Embrace this. Allow each other to evolve. To grow. To try out something new. To change their mind. Pay attention to how your partner’s needs and goals and priorities and perspectives change, and respond accordingly. Fall in love with the person in front of you today, rather than compare them to the person you fell in love with 20 years ago.”
My husband and I have been through many seasons of life-low lows and high highs. We have both changed so much since we first met. We are growing as we go. <3
Mix and Match Mama says
YES!!!! I absolutely love this! Thank YOU for sharing it. xx
Heather says
Could agree with you more on number 10! I say it all the time, I KNOW Jesus handpicked my
Husband for me! Almost 15 years later, I still thank him everyday for doing so.
Also, totally agree about not talking and about your spouse. I feel so sad that it’s totally acceptable to bash your spouse on girls night. Like it’s expected. Maybe we’d all be a little bit happier if we filled those nights with positive affirmations about ourselves and others instead.
Jill says
My husband and I have been married for 37 years with 2 grown children. Last year when I needed to quit my toxic job – he was my biggest supporter. We go for a walk every night and it is “our” time with no distractions to talk about our day and hash out all “life’s problems”. Marriage takes work and is not always easy – but it is always worth it.
Mix and Match Mama says
I applaud both of you!!
Whitney says
So grateful for this, these are great tips!
Katie says
Love this post!