Happy Wednesday! It’s time for this month’s LET’S LOOK!
If you don’t know what this is, once a month, Erika and I do a little link up where we “look” at different aspects of our lives (and then if you blog, you share and link up too!). We have been doing this little linky party for years now, and it’s always one of my favorite posts each month because most of the topics are YOUR suggestions!
Just as a reminder, here’s what we’ve “looked at”so far this year…
In January, we looked at LOW LEVEL GOALS FOR 2025.
In February, we looked at HOW WE WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE.
In March, we looked at HOW WE RESET FOR THE WEEK ON SUNDAYS.
This month, Erika and I are sharing a look at MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS!
I’m extra excited about this topic 🙂 .
I’ve decided that this topic fits into several categories…it’s a LET’S LOOK + SHAY’S WAYS + WELLNESS WEDNESDAY.
Because let’s be real, maintaining healthy friendships can contribute to wellness 🙂 .
Here we go (in no particular order), these are some of SHAY’S WAYS TO MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS…
#1: SHOW GRACE
Well, I just said “in no particular order”, but this is my #1 tip. We need to show grace to our friends. Our friends are living busy and complex lives and dealing with a lot of things (some of which we may not know about). They’re also women who are aging too…which means some days they physically feel tired or bloated or hot or overwhelmed or just not well or just OVER THINGS, so we should show them grace. Grace, grace, grace. I think we cannot extend enough grace and then in return, hopefully they’re doing the same for us on those days (or even during those seasons) when we’re not able to give our 100% best.
#2: LEARN FROM MY GRANDMOTHER’S FRIENDS
Well, I have mentioned my sweet grandmother and her friends on my blog many different times, but they for sure need to be mentioned here again today. My grandmother has the BEST friends. I have known this group of ladies since I was born and truly, truly love them all dearly. I have learned more about maintaining good friendships by watching this group of friends than anything else.
Here are just a few of the many lessons this one particular group of ladies has taught me:
-Distance doesn’t have to ruin friendships. Several of these ladies have had to move because of their husbands’ jobs (I’m talking move to Yemen kind of moves), and they still keep up their friendships via phone calls, notes, and inclusion when they’re in town. Many have moved back and seamlessly fit back into their group because they always felt connected.
-They don’t talk bad about each other. This is a large group of women (about 12) and honest to goodness, I have never heard them speak poorly of another. I know I haven’t been privy to everything, but I’ve been privy enough to know they are not talking about someone when she walks out of the room and/or she’s not even in the room. They speak as if they are each other’s biggest fans.
-They keep their stuff private. There have been times when something has “happened”, and after the fact, it’s been clear to me that my grandmother knew about “xyz happening” in this lady’s life, but she kept it entirely to herself and didn’t gossip…not even to her own granddaughter.
-They kept their kids things “their kids things”. This group doesn’t get caught up in what their kids are up to and then let it negatively affect one another. Once upon a time, I might have dated one of these lady’s sons and when things didn’t work out, they didn’t let it affect their friendship. In fact, want to know who hosted mine and Andrew’s couples wedding shower? This group of ladies 🙂 .
-They are actively engaged with each other. You have never seen a group more active. They are all in their late 80s and 90s at this point, and they still get together MULTIPLE times a week to play bridge, eat lunch, and host each other. My grandmother has a more active social calendar than I do, and she’s 88.
When I think of maintaining good friendships, I ALWAYS think about these ladies.
#3: LEARN ABOUT ENNEAGRAM, APPLY IT TO YOUR FRIENDSHIPS
Well, I haven’t brought up one of my very favorite topics in a while 😉 .
You guys know that I LOVE learning about Enneagram, and I truly truly truly think it has changed ALL of my relationships.
You can read MY FIRST POST ON ENNEAGRAM and even listen to OUR PODCAST EPISODE on it too!
As you know, I can spend dayyyyyyys talking about this subject, but I’ll spare you all of that and just share the highlights right now. If you don’t know what Enneagram is, in a nutshell, it is about what motivates you.
I am naturally an Enneagram 8, and I have really really taken to learning how that affects me being a friend to others and how I see my own friendships (and why I shouldn’t get my feelings hurt when people don’t respond/aren’t motivated the same way as me). I DO NOT get this right all the time, but wow, it has really really changed the way I view all of my friendships.
I found these graphics on Pinterest and thought they were a great example to share. These would be qualities/characteristics of me (an 8)…
How do I personally apply this to maintaining friendships? Here is one example to show you how I use this in my friendships. As an Enneagram 8, I personally have a smaller circle of friends, but they are my people. I am 100% transparent with them. I probably over share all the time. There are no secrets with me. I share, share and love H-A-R-D.
But that’s me. I cannot expect my friends who are beautifully and wonderfully made with their own unique personalities to love me as a friend that way because they are not 8s. I can’t get my feelings hurt when they don’t share things as easily with me or when maybe they’re guarded. They are being who they are. It’s not personal, it’s about their unique selves. Prior to learning all of these “personalities”, I would get my feelings hurt “Well, if I’m transparent, why can’t they be? Is it me they don’t trust?” etc. Now, I really think about each unique relationship and consider their Enneagram numbers. Of course she isn’t being transparent. That’s not her. It’s not personal.
That is just one easy little example of how knowing more about Enneagram numbers can help you happily maintain your friendships.
Just to compare, here are two other Enneagram numbers so you can see different types…
I just have really found it so helpful in all of my relationships to think more honestly about my own motivators (as an 8) and then how I express love/show love to others making sure I am sensitive and aware of their own unique personalities.
I clearly can “nerd out” on this stuff 😉 .
#3: UNDERSTANDING THERE ARE SEASONS
Whether we like it or not, there are seasons in everyone’s lives that changes friendships. I personally think we use that GRACE word again and show it during those times.
Some seasons are busy, some are super stressful, some are really exciting, some are overwhelming, some take them away, some take you away…there are just SEASONS in all of our lives, and it’s okay to be aware of them and not offended by them.
#4: BEING SUPPORTIVE AND NOT ARGUMENTATIVE
I certainly hope my friends would say that I’m super supportive and not argumentative. I like to cheer on my friends and their husbands/kids in life. I want my friends to do well/be happy/succeed/do cool things/embrace life as the individuals God made them. Do I fundamentally always want their choices for my life? No. Is it my place to tell them who they should be? NO. Some of the people who love me the HARDEST probably would make completely different choices than me about many many things…and that is so cool. They can be them and let me be me, and we can all support each other without arguing over individual life choices.
#5: EMULATING WHAT THEY’RE DOING FOR ME
Any time one of my friends makes me feel loved/seen/heard/special, I try so so so hard to remember what they did and repeat it myself. My best teachers about “how to maintain a great friendship” are the people I’m friends with. That note in the mail, the “get well” card, the funny meme on a hard day…little details add up, and once I recognize them, I really try and repeat them too.
#6: TIME
I do think you can maintain great friendships without spending a ton of actual time with each other…but time does matter, so if/when you can actually see each other, I think it’s so beneficial. Spending time with people in real life has a way of drawing you in exponentially more than any other form of communication. Time doesn’t have to define friendships, but it certainly can benefit friendships.
#7: PRAYER
I am a big believer in praying for my friends…and I’m grateful my friends feel the same way. What can strengthen a relationship more than going to God on each other’s behalf? I find praying over “my people” often really helps me see past my own “stuff” and really focus on them.
I read this in my current Bible study (Kelly Minter’s No Other Gods)…
I thought this was the perfect way to end today.
I am deeply grateful for my friendships, but my contentment cannot come from humans. Humans will always let me down. My contentment can only come from the Lord. It’s unfair of me to put that responsibility on any of my relationships.
So, that’s a little bit on friendships today 🙂 .
Okay, next time on Let’s Look, we are going to look at…
That’s it for today, friends. Of course, I would love to read your comments about how YOU maintain friendships.
If you linked up today with us, please make sure you add your link below.
Have the best Wednesday, friends! xx
Elspeth Mizner says
So many great pieces of advice here! Thank you for sharing, Shay!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
Diane Moore says
Great post!
Kay says
I did not make the best friends in high school, but I was fortunate to meet the most amazing group of women in college. We are a lot like your grandmother’s friend group! I don’t know what I did in life to deserve them, but I am thankful every single day for the group of strong, smart, supportive, caring and loving women I’m lucky enough to call my best friends.
But! coming from a place where I didn’t have great friends in the beginning, I’d say this-friendship shouldn’t be so hard. In high school (also a different time of life, but…)I had to work so very hard to maintain friends. And even some of the mom friends I’ve made later in life feel like “work” too. But when I met my people at college, we just clicked and truly, it never feels like work. I want to call them, I want to be with them, I love doing things for them!
So, it’s not aways easy and sometimes it can take TIME. But I’d say hold out for a group where it doesn’t feel hard, or like work. Hold out for the group where you get support just because you are yourself! That is my wish for women!!
Mix and Match Mama says
I love this, Kay! Thank you, thank YOU for these words of wisdom.
Grace says
Thank you for sharing this!
SC says
Love everything about this! Thank you!
Beth Valenta says
I allow myself to have different groups of friends that meet my needs and not try to make someone do something they are not wanting. I have teacher friends (we have a million stories that no one wants to hear), my old neighborhood friends (which are still my besties), my travel friends, and then there is my best friend (my daughter) who I do everything with and is my most trusted and supportive friend. I tap into each group as my needs change. I feel like I have the Breakfast Club….the gym person, the shopper, the cry to music with me and talk, the healthy, etc.
Perfect way to start the day Shay my online pal!
Mix and Match Mama says
I really love this so much!
Sandra Roberts says
I really love this post! And I have to say, your Grandmother is goals. I hope to be alive and thriving and playing bridge with my friends at 88. What a gift!
Mix and Match Mama says
She is my hero in life. Such goals.
Lisa N says
I couldn’t LOVE #2 more. I always comment that I would love to hear more about your mom and grandmother💗 Also would love to hear your grandmother and her friends discussing enneagram numbers😉
Great post today! And the Bible study excerpt so good.
Lisa D says
This post is so lovely!
The women in my life give my life beauty. What would we do without female friends?
These are wonderful tips to consider, thank you M&M Mama!
Tamara R says
I am an 8 also! No surprise, right? 🙂 I really love the 8 graphic, so spot on. I could talk about this forever too and all of your thoughts are so good. As an 8, I find that I have to be careful with my more sensitive friends who don’t always appreciate my lack of “sugar coating,” but I am usually the first one they come to when they need a champion/encourager. Did you have your kids do theirs? I really need to think about this more with my kids who are so NOT 8s. xx
Mix and Match Mama says
I agree!!! Yes, yes! My kids haven’t done theirs yet, but I have a very good suspicion about what each of their numbers are.
Debbie says
Where did you find the enneagram graphics?
Mix and Match Mama says
Pinterest! There are SO many great ones that really explain the different numbers.
Meg says
For me, a deeper understanding of the Enneagram and the numbers of each of the most important people in life, helps me give more grace! So I think those two are intrinsically connected and SO important!
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes and amen!!
Paula Hobbs says
This is a beautiful post, Shay! I have found that keeping my circle extremely small has been the best thing for me, personally. In the past I would often “think” how cool it would be to have a HUGE group of friends, but with age comes wisdom LOL and I wouldn’t trade my little circle for a huge one for all the money in the world. Also, the grandmother goals are spot on!!!
Renee says
What a great and encouraging post!
Lisa says
I love this post so much! I have three best friends who I went to elementary through high school with and we remain close today, despite out different locations and lives. We TRY to take a girls trip every year, but sometimes it ends up being two or three years before we make it happen. Our ongoing text thread to stay in touch is a life line to each of us. We use that thread for serious matters as well as millions of inside jokes and just random encouragements to each other. We’re all in the stage of life where our parents are aging and a few of us have lost one or both parents. The support we give each other has been invaluable through all of life’s circumstances. I also met another bestie when our sons were friends in elementary school. Our sons ended up going separate ways due to nothing dramatic. We made a pact to stay friends despite that and she’s still, 10 years later, one of my most precious friendships. And my mom, well she’s always been a best friend to me. Thanks for the reminder to never take these friendships for granted!
K.K. says
Oh, I love this post very much!! I love the grace filled approach to friendship that you talk about! And I certainly appreciate it from my friends as well.
Erika Slaughter says
I LOVE each and every one of this ways to maintain friendships! Thankful for YOU!
Sheaffer says
Great girlfriends are so important and worth their weight in gold!!!
Karen in Virginia says
So, I have been very upset because my dearest friend hasn’t been calling me and I’m going through a really tough time. Just tonight, she said she would call me and she did not. But, then I read the very last portion of your blog. Honestly? I have let it go. I know it wasn’t on purpose. And I know, that I am more emotionally supportive than she is. But, she is a tried and true friend. And, I let it go. Thanks Shay!
Mix and Match Mama says
Well goodness, your feelings matter too, but I am glad you have more peace about this. Sending YOU so much love today. xx
Karah Stracener says
I love this so much. I only have a few very close best friends and I used to be down on myself about it. As I am getting older I realize its the quality of these friendships over the quantity. I also have different circle of friends as well. I think some friendships are just for a certain time in your life and others are those long lasting forever friendships. I cherish and value each relationship because I know they were placed in my life for a reason. It has taken me 40 years to figure that out.
Tina says
I hope that someday I’ll have friends. There are times when I feel really sad about the fact that life can be lonely but I try comforting myself with the idea that this is a season of my life and that means it will change. We moved quite a ways away from the people I thought were my core group (so our kids could go to better schools). Turns out that group is unable to maintain our friendships through distance, despite a lot of effort on my part. I’ve had to accept this and try to move on. Where we live now I really don’t fit in but in a few more years, when the last of our kids graduates we will have more options where we can live and I truly hope to find a group of friends.
Mix and Match Mama says
I am going to stop and pray over that for you right now. I have had seasons without friends, and it’s really lonely. I am very thankful you’re connecting with us here. I certainly know it’s not the same, but it’s connection nonetheless. Praying for you right now. xx
Jeanette says
Great post! Really like the Grace and Enneagram factors in navigating and maintaining friendships.