Happy Wednesday! It’s time for this month’s LET’S LOOK!
If you don’t know what this is, once a month, Erika and I do a little link up where we “look” at different aspects of our lives (and then if you blog, you share and link up too!). We have been doing this little linky party for years now, and it’s always one of my favorite posts each month because most of the topics are YOUR suggestions!
Alrighty, just as a reminder, here’s what we’ve “looked at”so far this year…
In January, we looked at LOW LEVEL GOALS FOR 2025.
In February, we looked at HOW WE WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE.
In March, we looked at HOW WE RESET FOR THE WEEK ON SUNDAYS.
In April, we looked at MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS.
In May, we looked at OUR WELLNESS ROUTINES.
In June, we looked at OUR TRAVEL BUCKET LIST.
In July, we looked at THINGS I’VE CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT.
In August, we looked at JUGGLING FAMILY SCHEDULES.
This month, I am sharing a look at MANAGING TEENAGE LIFE.
Every year, Erika and I let you guys select the topics for our monthly Let’s Look. I have been excited about this topic since you recommended it in January.
Am I excited because I have all the answers and can’t wait to share them?
No.
I am excited because I know there are so many seasoned parents in this group that will hopefully share THEIR insights with me.
I’m still not exactly sure how it happened, but somehow, I ended up with…
…three teenagers.
And I’m only two short years away from having FOUR of them.
Agh, that’s a lot!
Here’s the deal, I have no idea what I’m doing. I can’t wait until my kids grow up and write their memoirs so that I can see if I did this whole “raising teens” thing right or wrong. The truth is…Andrew and I are clueless. We are in the throes of raising these people (who are all quickly getting taller than me), so it’s too soon to tell if we managed it really well or really crappy. We’re praying it’s the former…but…managing teens is complicated.
I’m going to share a few of my thoughts about having teenagers and then, for the love, please share yours too 🙂 .
#1: MANAGING OTHER KIDS
In my opinion, I would say that the hardest part about “managing” my teenagers are all of the other kids. Full stop.
When my kids were younger, their friends didn’t have the influence over them that they do now. Their friends didn’t hold their lives in their hands behind the wheel of a car. Their friends didn’t have access to technology (and allllllll that comes with that). Their friends didn’t have plans/make plans/include them/leave them out. It was much simpler when my kids were younger because their friends were not nearly as relevant to the ebb and flow of our home as they are now.
I’m not just talking about “naughty” friends or sweet friends that make “naughty” choices. It’s also friends who are struggling with REAL issues and my kids are kind of sucked into that as a result…which is okay, but it’s just hard. Some sweet kiddos that are in and out of my kids’ lives are dealing with very very hard things which means, we are walking through it too. I didn’t realize how much my heart would hurt for other kids as a parent of teenagers. I spend so much time worrying about, praying over and thinking about not just my kiddos but their friends too. It’s no longer just managing four hearts, it’s managing a lot of hearts. I don’t know if what we’re doing is right or wrong, but my prayer is that any influence Andrew and I have over kids that come into our home is positive. I want to show these kiddos love and grace. All of these kiddos.
I also don’t want these kids negatively influencing my children or encouraging them to make poor choices.
I also want to keep my kids physically and emotionally safe.
Am I alone here? Managing other kids has been the hardest part of managing my own teens.
It’s not just managing the other kiddos, it’s…
#2: MANAGING THEIR PARENTS
I never thought of myself as a naïve person, but I was/am certainly naïve when it comes to managing the other parents. When my kids were in preschool and even elementary school, I had so much control over their friends. My kids only social outings involved going places that I took them or being in our neighborhood, so I knew every single parent. I knew them, I liked them, I respected them, I just assumed as my kids got older that “other” parents would have similar values. Call me crazy, but it shocks me when parents that “seem” just like us have very different “rules” for their kids. Realizing that my teenagers have to be crystal clear on our family’s values, rules and what we will/will not tolerate has been an unexpected part of raising teenagers for me.
#3: IT’S A DIFFERENT KIND OF CHAOS, BUT IT’S SO MUCH FUN
At one point, I had all of these little kids at my house. It was loud and messy and no one could help me with the chores, dogs were always barking, someone was crying, snacks were spilled, everyone was dirty…it was beautiful chaos. Now, it’s getting up early and out the door before 4:30 AM. It’s staying up late because we were at a game and then turning around and washing uniforms and when I’m about to go to sleep, someone comes in my room, plops on my bed and starts talking about “all the things” and even though I am exhausted, I want to stay up and listen to all of it. It’s curfews and homecomings, it’s having drivers in the house but still helping with their lunches…it’s still beautiful chaos.
I look at the younger pics of my kiddos sometimes and think “boy, I hope I was really soaking it up that day”. I hope I wasn’t distracted or preoccupied. I hope I was fully in that moment on that day because damn, I would love to do it again. I am trying so so so so so hard to be fully present right here and now. I just ordered Kensington’s second to last sign for our birthday wall, and well, I better freaking be soaking this up. I don’t want to look back in ten years and think “I hope I was soaking it up that day”.
Raising teenagers is beautiful chaos and despite how hard it can be, I would do it over and over again for the rest of my life.
#4: EACH KID IS SO VERY DIFFERENT
I think one thing Andrew and I learned quickly was that we just cannot parent our kids the same. Words like “fair” just don’t have a place in our family. What’s “fair” for one kid isn’t going to be “fair” for another because they’re all so different. Their needs are different. Their interests are different. Their schedules are different. Their personalities are different. Their love languages are different. They are all four so different. We let go a long time ago of the notion that we needed to treat them “equally”. If I treated them all like I treat the oldest…just because she’s the oldest and thus, we do everything first with her, it would not be fair to the younger three. They are very different and our relationships are always so much better when we treat them like the individuals they are.
#5: WE ARE IN OUR COACHING ERA
We had a pastor one time tell us that when they become teens, it’s more about “coaching”. I would LOVE to tell them what to do. Geez, I would love to insist they do/say/act certain ways, but that’s not how I see my role as much any more. I don’t want them doing/saying/acting just because I told them to. I want to coach them, encourage them and then let them do it their way. I’m trying to send out adults into this world who are motivated because they know what is right and not motivated because “mom made them”. Andrew and I talk about “coaching” them often. Listen, we watch them flounder and fail because we don’t boss them around, but after the floundering and flailing, we always see growth and sincere change.
#6: ON MY KNEES
I love to pray for people. I really really love praying over my kids. The older they get, the more and more I pray for them. I pray for their health, their safety, I pray for the influence they have in their sphere, I pray for their teachers and coaches, their friends, their choices. Before we even had kids, Andrew and I were sitting in church one Sunday and Jeff Warren, our pastor, had three teens at the time. He told the congregation that he and his wife always prayed “they would get caught”. I found that so powerful that I wrote it down in my Bible. Fast forward all of these years later, and I pray all the time “they get caught”. If my kids are up to no good, I want them to get caught before it snowballs into something bigger.
I texted Jeff Warren last year and told him I was taking his advice and praying this over my kids, and here was his reply “Remember, being a teenager is not a terminal illness.”. I love that! It’s not! I am going to pray for them as they go through this part of their life, but it’s not “forever” even though some days, it feels like it might be.
There is one last thing I want to say about teenagers. Warren Samuels is another pastor Andrew and I love and one time, he was preaching and talking about his own children. He said sometimes really good parents have kids that make really bad choices. And sometimes really amazing kids live with really terrible parents. I have some dear friends who are REALLY good parents and unfortunately, they have kids that are making/have made really bad choices. This is truly not a reflection of their parenting. They are wonderful parents who did an amazing job raising their kids, but we live in a very broken world and sometimes, even the best parenting can’t create good kids. I also know some exceptional kids right now who have parents that cannot make the right decision to save their life. Whether it’s staying out of jail or staying out of their addiction, they are not being good parents and yet, they have great kids.
I say all of that to say, I know there are some of you out there right now who have been AMAZING parents to your kids and yet, your kids are making terrible choices.
It is not a reflection on you as a parent.
It is not a reflection on you.
I am so sorry that you’re walking this road. I just want you to be seen and heard today too. I can ramble on and on about “managing teens” and amazing blog readers can comment with so much wisdom but at the end of the day, it might all return void for you. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I know you are a good parent. I also know some of you were raised by terrible humans and yet, you’re an amazing adult. I want you to know that I see you too. I am always so blown away when I learn that people I truly love and admire came from despicable upbringings. I’m seeing you today too.
Whew, okay!
Let’s head to the comment section and chat about “managing teens”.
Next time on Let’s Look, we are going to look at…
…THINGS WE’VE SAID NO TO RECENTLY!
Don’t forget, if you linked up today with us, please make sure you add your link below.
Have the best Wednesday, friends! xx
Elspeth Mizner says
Such wise advice!! You are doing an awesome job! Thank you for sharing!!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
Kelly Sites says
Whew- nothing, and I mean NOTHING takes you to your knees more than when you have teens. Because the stakes are so so much higher. The decisions they make today impact tomorrow so so so much. I’m so thankful for prayer. Because we can do a lot to help our kids, but in the end, it’s the Lord and His constant daily pursuit of them. I also want to say that every since I was pregnant with our twins (27 years ago) I started praying for their future spouses. Now, I was VERY VERY specific. For our son I prayed that he would find a wife that was ON FIRE for Jesus, loved God more than anything in the world, cherished marriage and held it in high esteem, loved children, and cherished our son. Now my baby wasn’t even born yet, and I prayed that prayer (and more) and continued through their entire life. And my son got married 3 years ago TO EXACTLY this person. God answered every single part of my prayer (no joke) and we adore her. I want to encourage every person reading this to start NOW- and pray for your kids and pray for their future spouse and BE SPECIFIC.
Amber says
I love this comment! I need to start!
Raquel Wheeler says
I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and almost 2 year old and I have been praying for their spouses since my first was born. Your comment made me cry and also encouraged me to keep going. God cares about our children so much and wants and desires good things for them. Sometimes it seems crazy to pray for something that won’t happen for so long but it’s such a huge decision in life on who they will marry, I want to continue to be praying for that. Thank you again for that push to keep praying these prayers over my kids!
Darcy says
Thank you for this important reminder!
Heather says
I have survived the teen years and my “kids” are now 25 and 27 and we like to refer to ourselves now as their advisors after being their coach. I think all teenagers do dumb teenager stuff. We just really tried to make sure that they were not so worried about being punished that they wouldn’t come and talk to us about stuff. I am talking drinking alcohol and sex. Let’s not be naive about it. It happens. We talked to them about not drinking and why we thought that was important, but if they were in a situation where they were going to be drinking that they could always call us to come and get them no questions asked so we knew they would not be getting in a car with others or driving themselves. We explained all the different types of alcohol and how they are not created equal and to understand their limits…two beers does not equal two glasses of vodka. I had one child come to me about sex and although it was really difficult, I was really happy she felt she could come to me to talk about it. In short, we just really tried to encourage our values, but still create a safe space for them to be idiots and make stupid mistakes rather than hide things from us out of fear.
Diane Moore says
I think all you said was very good.
As a grandmother now, I would add, you have to hold the line. You do not need to be their friend or have them like you. Hard as it is, stick to the decisions/rules you think are right and DO NOT WAIVER. They are like those toddlers testing you in many ways.
Continue to have a relationship with them no matter how hard they push you away. Keep being loving, but do not give in. Hard things build strong character.
A little shock & awe goes a long way, too. Show up where they don’t expect you, etc. When warranted, of course. 💕💕💕
Prayer is absolutely the most important.
Amy Heinl says
Well my once upon a time teen will be turning 30 next month so boy the memories your post brought up. You hit on so many good things
1. PRAYER: I was a praying fool. I prayed for me, I prayed for him, I prayed for his friends, and I prayed for people who would touch his life that I didn’t know.
2. CONSEQUENCES: I stressed to my son with great freedom comes great responsibility and failure to live up to those responsibilities had consequences and that any thoughts he had that I would save him from facing those consequences were a fools dream. For example, I told him that if he did something to cause the police to arrest him or bring him in that he was on his own. I told him not to waste his one call on me. He and his friends would joke about it all the time but they never got into any trouble that way.
3. Always provide a safe out: While consequences were critical to enforce a safe way out is more important. I told my sin that if he ended up in a situation where he knew he shouldn’t be to call me and I would come and get him no questions asked. I stressed that his safety and his life were the most important thing. I member he called me from a party and he had tried Marijuana and was scared. I came and git him. No lectures, just loving support and got him home and safely in bed and then we dealt with the issue and consequences the next morning.
4. Open door: My house was a safe house. He knew he could always bring someone home. There would always be a place to crash, a warm meal, and a listening ear. To this day he talks about how much I meant to his friends and to those aquatics who needed some guidance and a safe place to fall.
5. Love for the village: I am so glad you brought up other parents in this season with you. It truly takes a village to raise our kids and it’s so important we lift one another up as parents instead of adding on to someone else’s problems.
Teenage years aren’t for the weak but it can be a wonderful time of growth as you shepherd your kids to adult hood.
Jillian Kathleen Vansickle says
shay, I know the teenage years are hard, been there! you’re doing a wonderful job raising your kids!
Emilee says
Ohhh, I love the part you shared about praying for your kids to “get caught.” Thank you for that little nugget of wisdom!
Mel says
Raising teens is amazing and awful. Ha!
I struggled to describe “fair” until I saw a video posted by a teacher. I saved this in my Notes App and repeat it to my teens, at least, once a month.
“Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing,” she said in the video. “Fair means that everyone gets what they need to be successful.” She told her class: I promise to not always be fair, and that means I will not always treat you the same way.
Carrie Martens says
Such a loving and well said post. Thank you!
Nicole says
Wow! I truly loved every part of this, and I know I’ll be sending it out and saving it. Thank you for sharing! I know God put you in my life to help me be better mom!
Laura Fredlund says
I loved this whole post! So good, and written so well. My kids are 18, 15, 10, 2 1/2 and one due any day now.. I have the whole spectrum right now 🙂 One of the best things my mother in law has said to me is “dont give yourself credit for the both the bad and the good that your kids do.” That goes right along with sometimes terrible parents have amazing kids and great parents have the struggling kids. Its true! I know from experience because of my upbringing. The only way I made it through is because of God. If we can lead our children’s hearts to God then thats the very best thing we can do.
Have a great day Shay!
SS says
Shay,
I don’t think anyone has the “road map” for teenage years. Our big thing was you respect us and I will respect you and open communication. We now have two 20 year olds!!! I learned that teenage years mean they are going to “push” their lines…but hubby and I had to be united about how to keep those lines clear. We did have teens with “the loves of their lives” ….until they weren’t any more. 😆 But they lived. Our teens had jobs and not sports. So they had to learn that work/life balance.
When I was in high school I had cousins that were Srs and Jrs. I hung out with them and their friends. I had gone through some personal loss at 15 and thought a lot of my friends at that age were just “immature”. So for me hanging with my cousins and their friends is what I needed. I never had a curfew, but I would use the landline from wherever I was and call my parents this is what we are doing. But to be honest my cousins would bring their friends to our house to hang out most of the time. I cried when they graduated!!!
I think the best is our younger is “learning/soaking in” all the mistakes the older siblings are making to help the teen road map that will be traveled soon. 😆
But as you say soak in the chaos, the ups and downs, the heartaches, and just be there and give them that hug (they say they don’t need…but you know they do). ❤️
Kristen says
Wow , I needed this today! I have a 15 yr old daughter and this parenting thing is fun and scary all at the same time. The most shocking thing to me was the other parents. It boggles my mind how many parents let underage drinking happen in their house. How many parents let their kids stay on their phone all night long. You had some great advice in there. One thing we do is that every night at 10pm she has to charge her phone downstairs. No phones allowed in room at night. She hates this rule and says she is the only child in high school that has to do this. (I know she’s not 🙂 )
Jenn says
Our 15 year old has the same rule about no phones in the room overnight! These kids need at least a short break from the constant technology, even if they’re sleeping through a lot of it! I know I’m not a perfect parent either, but agree that some parents choices or what they will allow is mind blowing! Praying that I do my very best and that looking back, my girls will understand why we parented how we did!
Katie Compton says
Chiming in to say we had the same rule until our daughter left for college about a month ago! Her senior year we did let her have her phone in her room during the summer and weekends. But if it was a school night it was charging down stairs! She also told us she was the only one, but she also said she didn’t mind the break. 😊
Libby says
A great read. We have one OOS in college & a Sr in HS. Thankfully, they became entrenched in our church during MS & HS, so this helped them navigate some of the negative influences out there. This was my hope when they were little. I searched for a church that had an active MS group, knowing that is when they will most likely get lost in their youth. Another thing that helped us was trusting our kids until they showed us we couldn’t. I’ve seen parents who won’t let their kids do anything or go anywhere. While they may think it’s protecting them from the outside world, it’s showing their kids that they don’t have faith in them to make good choices. It’s a tough balance!!
Lindsey N says
Shay, you’re such a positive inspiration in so many ways. I’ve been a long time, silent reader of your blog. This post strikes a cord. Thank you for the reminder about “soaking up the moment.” I have three littles. Not quite teenagers. Some days are tough. Sometimes we all need these reminders.
Dana P says
Oh, man. I could write a book instead of a comment about all of this! So very true that we don’t get to choose the outcome and really can’t take credit for how they turn out whether for good or for bad. They are their own people. We can lead, encourage, correct, but ultimately they are responsible for their own choices.
That said, I am so very thankful for our young adults and teens and how they seem to be turning out. We have had some incredibly trying years, but God has been so kind to keep them on the right path. I feel very conflicted saying this, but one of the best things we could have done for one of our sons was to encourage him to go into the Guard. We saw a tremendous change in him after boot camp. It gave him the time he needed to process his childhood and he came to the conclusion that he was essentially the problem all along. Of course that isn’t true, we’ve certainly sinned against our children and not done things perfectly, but what a gift that he had that time of reflection. He came back a truly changed person and even got baptized. I don’t love the military or that they could be involved in things I don’t necessarily want to support, but we did see a discipline come out of him that I really don’t think we would have seen otherwise.
Alllll that to say, the thing I am most thankful for is the foundation that we have laid for our children by teaching them the Bible, doing our best to disciple them, pray for them, take them to church, and point them to Christ. We live very far from our adult children now, but it is their own faith that has given them stability and rooted them in humility and maturity. This feels very preachy, but I would be remiss to fail to say that it’s the Lord who has taken all of our mistakes and given our kids the solid foundation they needed all along. But during the teen years? It was less-than-obvious that things were going to turn out okay.
I agree, too-surrendering the control that we have over them in the younger years is SO HARD! We also didn’t have a huge social network to contend with since we are raising our children overseas. That really is a whole different beast. I think every parent needs a solid network or at least 1-2 friends who they can vent to and pray with! And to maybe spy on their kids when they’re not around. ha!
SS says
Dana… please thank you son for his service. I have a cousin about to enter into the Army next month. His sweet momma (who was my age passed when he was a pre-teen)… so I will worry for his momma and me or him!! BUT I honestly think it will help this young man become the man he needs to be without influences of his family and friends around to “find himself.” We will all be here to help him, but I think he needs to find his path without being known as the kid whose momma passed. I pray that he does and that he stays safe.
Lisa says
As a mom of 3 twenty-something’s, this is SO spot on! Thank you for sharing!
Krista F says
This was a really powerful, insightful, much needed read! Thank you so much!
Gretchen says
Ahh this is so good! Parenting teens is not for the faint of heart! We found “meeting them where they are” was helpful. Sometimes a kid would open up over text when they weren’t ready/able to in person. Chipotle, sonic drinks and chick fila go a long way.
Lisa D says
The topic today is so triggering. I had three teens too. It’s complicated and hard and noisy and busy and joyful… and I PRAYED all the time over everything and everyone. That’s all I’ve got today 😉
Lori says
Yes! Praying for your kids is one of the best things you can do for them. I encourage you to see if any of your kids’ schools have a Moms in Prayer group. https://momsinprayer.org/
I also pray for my kids to get caught. That has been interesting!
Bethany Gable says
Oh wow!! I’m a part of MIP at our school!! I love it so much.💗💗
Paula Hobbs says
I couldn’t love this post more if I tried. Raising babies to be good humans is so hard, yet so rewarding. To hear high praises about your kiddos is a wonderful feeling. It’s also so very hard to standby and watch them make bad choices, but very rewarding when they learn and grow from them. Also, thank you for the very last two sentences. I feel seen and loved by that today and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sarah M. says
That was a great read. What really stuck with me is instilling your own family values in your kids and reminding them that what is fine for one family is not fine for us. I also like the getting caught thing.
Megan says
Thank you for the gift of this blog post! My oldest is only 11 and I feel like she’s already bringing us to our knees in many ways. IF at ALL possible, would you be able to share a video/recording of the sermons you referenced? As a devout Catholic, my husband and I don’t typically have the benefit of hearing a church leader preach from personal experience through the lens of parenting. I’d love to hear more from Jeff Warren and Warren Samuels. Thanks Shay!:-)
Debbie says
Great post. Full of good advice.
Karin Cahill says
The best chapter is yet to come. After the battle of the teenage years, they become young adults and for us and our family, it has been one of the best chapters outside of our kids being littles. We experience them as such fun people. I say all the time that I love them because I’m their mom, but I spend time with them because they are really neat people.
SS says
Love this!!! We are entering into that phase…
Jen says
This is all so true and I love your perspective! The hardest part for me is because we have multiple elementary schools, which feed into 2 junior highs, then those feed into 1 high school in our city, it is so hard to get to know my kids’ friends. Some of them I have never even met! And parents I have never met! I’m always the one who reaches out when my kid is invited over or something. It’s so hard to just send them to a random house. I don’t know if the parents are just super trusting, or just don’t care!
Tami Meng says
Instead of rescuing or fixing, I ask questions. How do you feel about that? What would you like to do? Do you need my help or just to listen? She’s my third teen so I’ve learned a lot!
Katie says
Thank you so much for your words today! We have experienced “behavior issues” with one of our kiddos since the early days. It wasn’t until we learned about PDA autism that helped us better understand our child but essentially it’s a nervous system disability that often sends the body into fight or flight. Invisible disabilities are so challenging and often feel like a bad parent despite doing everything you can to support your child.
Sil says
Yes! Yes! Yes! As an empty nester with a 27 year old and a 29 year old the only thing I can add is a friend told me when the kids were young that she strived to be the house that all of the kids wanted to hang out at, which meant always having great snacks and hosting movie nights and pool parties, etc and the place everyone was welcome. That served me well as the kids got older and I never forgot those wise words.
Carly says
Goodness, God knew I needed this today! My oldest will be 13 on Friday and we have all the teenage feels around here. This was such a good read that I will be sending to my teenage/soon-to-be-teenage mama friends! Thank you for helping us navigate these times!
Liz says
Our daughter just turned 30 and your statements today resonated with me. Teen years are difficult but when you look back and then see your child is as an adult today, it is an amazing experience and I’m glad to see it all happen. And now, she is is a middle school counselor dealing with pre-teens and teens and their parents/guardians. I am thankful for God’s grace on her as she travels through this stage of her life, dealing with all that occurs at schools in today’s world. Even through the most frustrating days, I loved every minute of it.
Susan Fitzpatrick says
This is a great topic. I completely agree with you about the “coaching” era. My kids are in their twenties and we are still in that era but a little less so as they get older. My youngest who is in her first year of law school is struggling right now and there is lots of coaching AND praying! I am thankful we made it through the teen years without too many struggles. I am praying for all of you parents who are going through the teen years right now.
Julie says
I am still a few years shy of the teenagers, but this post was awesome! I love the praying they get caught. I would much rather they learn some of the tough lessons while they’re still under our roof. I’m adding that one to my Bible now.
Kara says
I only have tweens/littles right now but I was waiting for this topic bc I need all the help/preparation I can get! These are such GREAT comments and advice! 🙌🏼 these are the very best years but also the hardest to navigate in this world!
MelanieL says
Oh goodness, I was not expecting this to make me cry. I’m 45 and at the first of the year I started making a list of “45 of my favorite things” and wouldn’t you know, TEENAGERS are on the list. My kids are (almost!) 21 and 19. None of us know what we’re doing but this is pretty spot on.
Susan Willems says
I love so much about this post. My girls are quickly entering the ‘pre-teen’ stage and I’ve noticed some of the things you talk about in this post. The deeper conversations happening, a subtle shift in their friends and how much more we talk about what friends say, do, wear, share, etc. In many ways I am intimidated about what’s to come with my girls, but your post helped to reassure me that while things will change and some changed will be hard, not all of them will be and that we can find joy in coaching our teens rather than just “getting through the teen years”. So thank you!!
Jenny Waters says
As an empty nester and former church youth director, I think raising teenagers is challenging but so fun!
Begin with the end in mind! What kind of adult do you want them to be? You want them to learn how to recover from mistakes. You want them to be able to cook, do laundry, and manage money before they get to college. So many of my girls friends had never done these things! You want them to know how to navigate social media, so that means being on the ones they are on! Most importantly you want them to know they can depend on you and depend on their faith to get them through hard times.
It’s okay to be the mean mom sometimes. My girls have thanked me years later for the boundaries I set. One last thing, encourage and foster good friendships between siblings. My girls are best friends and it’s one of my favorite things! The reward for surviving teens is adult kids! They are the best!
Katie Hahn says
I am in the trenches of toddlerhood HA! This post brought a new perspective and I pray that I take your wisdom when it comes time for me to parent teenagers.
Sara Neville says
We have a 16 and 14 year old. In this season of life, I’m thankful for football because it keeps them busy. Busy (and exhausted) teenagers get into less trouble, in my opinion 🙂 Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart! I just hope they look back one day and say we did a pretty good job.
Allison says
This was a great post!! Especially since my boys are 13 and 11 (6th and 8th grades) and so we are entering this era!! I would have loved to see some advice on managing relationships, like boyfriends and girlfriends. This part terrifies me. My 8th grader already has friends that have had girlfriends since 7th grade and already gone through breakups, etc. We haven’t let him officially start dating yet. Now if he has crushes or talks to girls or whatever, I can’t control that, but we aren’t offically endorsing anything yet. I would love for you to do a post on managing this for teens! Otherwise, this was fantastic and thank you!!!
Erika Slaughter says
YES! I’ve prayed that getting caught thing for YEARS as well! I’d much rather them get caught now when they’re in our house where we can work through big things together versus get caught when they’re adults/out on their own.
Wendy says
I love this! Now a mom of a 22 and 20 yr old. Our youngest made some questionable choices. Things that infuriated us and made us shake our heads. We knew we raised our kids differently and they still made bad choices. He is doing great now and is about to graduate from college. And you are so incredibly right about the influences and this is one thing I wish I could change. We opened our home to all the kids friends – especially the ones where we saw the parents were horrible to their kid. We aren’t perfect but wanted them to have a safe space. One wound up having a huge impact on my daughter and we are still dealing with that. But, we serve a mighty God and I know she is coming back to him! A while back I saw an interview with Priscilla Shirer. She has 3 boys and she said she always prayed for conviction over her boys. That if the choices they were making weren’t right, that they would feel convicted. Wow! That added a whole new prayer for me. That not only my kids would feel convicted but that I would too. It changed how I do things.
Elizabeth L says
I am in the throwes of toddlerhood and little kid land right now with a 2.5 and 5 (almost 6) year old and raising teenagers terrifies me!! I do look forward and think wow, itll be so fun to go on vacations etc when we dont have to worry about packing all these extra things, or being in the pool 10 hours a day, but at the same time all the scaries that come with teenagers like driving and parties and late nights and technology…oh especially cell phones and technology.. while it sounds fun i think I’m gonna hang out in little kid land a little longer! haha. i love reading about how you handle your teens though, i think you guys seem to have such a good balance and I honestly love hearing the perspective as I look to the years ahead!
AliJ. says
I thought the 2s were terrible – she learned to talk, have her own thoughts and opinions but nothing prepared us for the teen years, especially a girl teenager. I swear girls are just meaner, at least to each other, than boys. Boys fight and just get over it but girls, they hold grudges. I think the biggest lesson I learned was from a speaker they had at our daughter’s school, Dr. Lisa Damour. She reminded us that when our teen calls us that they are very much in the moment and they dump on us because we are their safe space. We are left hanging wondering are they OK, have things been resolved, etc. Many times, the teen has already moved on, they just wanted someone to vent to. We also cannot step in and fix things at this age – we have to let them navigate, of course under our guidance, when asked. I know recently my daughter experienced some pretty upsetting news and nothing I or my spouse said, helped her or made her happy. I finally reached out to her dorm counselor (she attends boarding school) and asked her to check on her because I did not want the situation to affect my daughter with her upcoming college interview or her SATs. They met, and it was a productive meeting and now she’s back to her usual self. Of course she does not know I reached out to the counselor but in this instance, it was part of the counselor’s job because it was one of her students.
Taylor says
I have two babies so no where near the teenage years yet. I was talking to my mom about parenting teens the other day. Both my sister and I struggled in highschool but have turned into very successful adults and I give a lot of the credit to my parents. The one thing she said she did right was she was ALWAYS in our business. She knew all of our friends and their parents. When I got a boyfriend in highschool, she went out of her way to get to know him and his mom. She knew where we were every second. I’m not saying it’s the right answer, but it did hold us accountable.
Kristen says
Just loved this one! Thank you for sharing!!
Courtney says
Great post today! Thank you!
Laura Holmes says
Raising teens can bring you to your knees… I felt like when I had small children my instincts were so strong. I just automatically knew what they needed, how to love them, how to mother them. With teens, I question everything. I think the consequences are just so much greater. I really related to what you said about the other children and parents that are in your home now. Releasing them into the world bit by bit, praying and hoping they are met with grace and kindness. Hoping that they also reflect that back onto others. Whew-it’s a big job we have. May God bless us all and provide the strength and wisdom we need to be up to the task at hand.
Robyn says
Being a parent is the absolute most rewarding “job” in the entire world. And, also the toughest! Somehow – we’ve all managed to survive the teenage years ourselves, so we know teens today will survive, as well. It really is the best of times. Enjoy.
Elizabeth Feldpausch says
As a mama to 5 young kiddos, I loved the line about not everything is going to be fair! That’s what we work so hard to help our children understand!
Amanda says
I thought the high school years were tough but probably the hardest years are when they are 18-21 because I have one of each. They are technically “adults” but we are supporting them and they don’t want to hear any unsolicited advice. The friend situation is also way scarier because these friends come from all over the place and from different family dynamics and morals. All you can do is pray for them. All it takes is one bad friend to take them down a path that you can’t get them back from. We had raised our kids in a Christian school through high school and the college experience has been an eye opener. Even their friends that go to Christian colleges are having the same experiences because most are there for sports or to get drunk and not actually there to share the same values. My only saving grace is that they chose universities that are not very far from home so they bring friends home to hang out with on the weekend instead of making bad decisions out of boredom. My daughter’s friend texted me the other day to thank me for giving her a place to call home when she’s so far from her home.
Patty says
I’m nervous about posting this, but as a seasoned parent who raised both a son and a daughter, I would encourage parents of teens to be very careful about how often your kids observe you and your spouse drinking alcohol. They’re definitely paying attention, and your habits will very likely impact their relationship with alcohol. If every dinner includes alcohol or if the kids routinely see you relaxing together by having alcohol, you are possibly normalizing alcohol use and inadvertently sending a message that alcohol is how people cope with stress and celebrate or that alcohol is a normal daily habit. Just make sure you have a lot of conversations about alcohol use.
Helen says
Thank you Shay for your kind words. Your grace offered healing to my heart.
stacie says
Such a great post! It takes a village so of the tips/tricks in the comments are wonderful as well. Thanks
sandi says
As a momma to four kids ages 17-22 you have shared this list with such wisdom! Every single point is well thought out and spot on. One thing I did not anticipate was managing other kids parents and their value system not aligning with ours. I try my best to listen without judgment. My kids know if you are brave enough to ask a question then I can be brave enough to answer. This generation is asking some tough questions but we owe it to them to share our opinions and the whys behind those opinions.
Meg says
Agree with all of this!! The hardest part for me has been the heartbreak…the friends that are cruel, not getting asked to a dance, ect. It hurts to see your teen hurt!!! So much prayer every single day!!!
Carly says
Thank you for this Shay! Motherhood is hard and holy work, and raising teens can be so tricky. I appreciate your vulnerability so much!
gail says
My husband was a Youth Pastor for 17 years and I was really dreading the teenage years at our house…but do you know, they ended up being the favorite part of my parenting!
When our kids were out with their friends, we had 3 rules…. Don’t do anything illegal, dont do anything that might hurt someone else’s feelings or person, you are always free to call us with no questions asked to come and get you.
We also had the ‘mom brigade’ , where we would secretly call each other when kids arrived or left our houses. Our kids did some dumb stuff and they knew ahead of time they would have consequences. My husband also took them into the City and to the Youth Detention facility so they could see where they might end up if they really messed up. Let me tell you…it was sobering.
Our kids ended up being great about the consequences. There was no whining , they just handed over the car keys or whatever the consequences were. One lost his opportunity to be the Class Speaker at graduation (the schools choice) and had to live with that. Their attitudes made such a difference in how the teen years went at our house. We still have great relationships with our kids and they never doubted our love for them.
When I was a teenager my parents made me smoke a cigarette in front of them so I could see how horrible it was. Never smoked then or now!
Laci says
I feel like all I do is PRAY and Pray some more! The stakes are so high but God is bigger! Great post
Kristin says
Shay! I really needed this. I recently “caught” my teenager doing something he shouldn’t have been doing and while I’m
still disappointed I’m going to reframe it as a blessing. This is year one with a 13 year old and 3 coming up behind so you’re speaking wisdom to me!
Carol says
When my daughter was a teen, I regularly prayed the “armor of God” scripture over her, asking the Lord to protect her mind, her heart, her spirit and to transform her into a woman who was strong in her faith and committed to the gospel–that her heart would remain pure and that the devil’s darts would not land. I was definitely on my knees more than ever before. I had a two-hour round-trip commute in those days, so I had lots of praying time!
Jess W says
Wow, what a great post. We don’t have kids of our own but we have 3 nieces (twins who are 19 and a 17 year old) who we love like our own. They grew up with us being a constant in their lives and it’s difficult to see them go through the trials of being a teenager. But we love them, we pray for them, and we make sure they know they can come to us if they need anything. They have amazing parents who they know they can go to but providing them with another outlet of support has been important. They’re good kids who don’t always make the best decisions but we hope they learn from their mistakes. And you are right, they are so different. Our identical twin nieces look exactly alike but couldn’t have more opposite personalities!
Carol says
Love this post, Shay! My kids are all in their 20s and early 30s now, but I do want to share a tip that helped my three kids as pre-teens and teenagers, and that is that we gave them endless permission to make their dad and me the bad guys. I told them that they could use us as an excuse to get out of any situation they were uncomfortable in. For example, one of them texted me one night and told me to call him and tell him I was coming immediately to pick him up because he was in trouble for doing something. So I did! I also told them that if they needed to “fake” a headache or stomach ache to get out of a situation, I would always pick them up and go along with it. I think kids always want to appear “cool” with their friends, and our little system allowed them to save face and make us the evil parents. I also was a big believer that car rides were the perfect time to have hard conversations. There is something about the ability to look out the window and not make direct eye contact that allowed my kids (especially my sons) to open up more.
Deanna Gemmer says
Yes! This has been really helpful in our house too.
Katie Stewart says
I am BAWLING!
Number three. Yes.
I pray NIGHTLY for the wisdom to parent, love, forgive, show grace, and just, BE THE BEST I can be for each of my four kids. I have NO idea what I’m doing but I know I spend day and night thinking of ways to enrich their lives and walks with God.
Motherhood is such a beautiful, beautiful, journey. ❤️
Kelly says
I am the Mom of three 20 somethings and, for me, it is the most difficult decade yet. I feel like my thoughts are consumed with prayers for them and the decisions they are making. I think this decade in each of their lives is growing my faith and dependence on God more than any other because I have zero control and varying amounts of influence based on the day. Life can be really hard.
Megan Perkins says
As a teenager, both of my parents struggled severely with addiction. I was so thankful for my friends’ parents who allowed me to spend time in their ‘normal’ and peaceful home. Thank you for not blaming the kids and being patient with their needs. You have no idea how much they appreciate it.💗
Liz Thorson says
My post disappeared while I was typing it. I’m not going to rewrite it, but I want you to know that I was most impressed by your post today, Shay. I think your kiddos could not be any more lucky than to have you two for their parents. You and Andrew are such present and actively involved and supportive parents. Your kids’ friends are lucky to be supported by you two, also. Cheers to you and here’s to the next ten years of loving and guiding all four of your kiddos through elementary, middle and high school and college! The journey will be so exciting, scary, filled with much anguish and joy!
Alicia Fedell says
My oldest is a Senior this year (?!) and one of my friend’s whose child just graduated told me that “healthy birds leave the nest”. It’s been a great reminder. They should want to leave and it is healthy. It’s been on my mind a lot as we have some many “last first” of the year.
Mix and Match Mama says
I love this. I will remember this. xx
Misty S. says
YES! My husband and I always say, “we are not empty-nesters, we are bird launchers”. We do not raise our children to keep them. It is definitely HARD but it is what you raise them to do. And hopefully, during those tough teenage years, they are soaking up everything you are teaching them.
Paula says
This is a fabulous post. I couldn’t agree with your #1 & 2 more. My heart hurts so badly for other kids and their circumstances. I want to be that soft place to land and voice so many are not getting. To let them know their worth is in Jesus and not the lie they are being sold.
My eldest is 20 and youngest two are 15. At this point, my husband I say we are here to keep them out of the sink holes. We know the potholes will come, but just trying to keep them away from the life altering mistakes.
Karah Stracener says
Thank you for this Shay. I need all the advice I can get as my oldest just turned 14 this week. Teens are so fun but so trying. Open communication and prayer is my best advice. I let her talk when she wants to talk. I also encourage her to open up to me when she wants to be silent. I want her to know I am a safe space no matter what.
Ashley R. says
This blog post could not have come at a better time for me. Selfishly, I feel like you and I spoke on the phone last night and this was your follow up to that conversation. Unitedly and generically, I feel like this was an anthem sent out to all of us in this Teenage Parent Army to get ourselves collected to go out into battle and fight another day. Whether it’s the first or the second, I appreciate you and your words today more than ever. (maybe not EVER, but today for sure.). Thank you for being you. Thank you for sending out good vibes always. Your encouraging words hit more people than you realize.
Deanna Gemmer says
I have enjoyed (to some extent) every phase of parenting but this teenage one has been my favorite. I love spending time as a family with my 18 and 16 year-olds. (We’re launching our oldest off to college next week and can use some prayers!) There is lots of good advice above, here’s what I’d add.
– be the house the teens want to hang in. Usually that means an open pantry and drink (pop, etc) fridge! It also means my kids know their friends are always welcome. They are good about checking in first, but know it’s rare we say no to a friend hangout here.
– respect your teens as the young adults they are. Both my kids are thoughtful decision makers and the more I can let them make decisions, or take part in decisions, the better. From time-to-time they have convinced me to change my mind after a thoughtful discussion.
– laugh. Tease. Play. Have inside jokes. Find something that you love doing together and do it.
– I have embraced the coach thing too. I also once heard a pastor say he wanted to enjoy being with his kids when they were adults – and we adopted that goal too. I want to raise kind and responsible adults.
– Be honest. We have a lot of honest conversations around our dinner table – sex ed included! Sometimes our kids will ask us a question and we’ll say “do you really want an answer?” because they know we’ll be honest. It has helped a LOT, especially as they are both now dating someone.
Great post today! Hope my thoughts help.
samantha says
Managing teens is definitely a wild ride, but also a beautiful journey of discovery, both about your teen as he/she grows and develops, but also about yourself as you support them. Each teen is different for sure, but also as they move through their teenage years, they also go through different phases which are both fascinating and terrifying at times. My prayer life has definitely doubled as my teen grows, and her at 13 and her at 17….huge difference and a blessing to watch her turn into the young lady she will become. Love reading your posts and sharing in all things about life!
Marisa Patel says
This post was perfectly timed and delivered for me. So much to reflect upon.
Katrina Goodman says
I’ve had a teen for 6 months now (even though it has felt like she has been a teen longer). I loves everything you wrote. I’ve read Feeding the Mouth that Bites You twice now because of you. I’m hopefully on the way to coaching her to be independent by the time she’s 18. Thanks for sharing this post!
Tina says
I definitely feel “seen” in your words. While none of my 4 kids have (so far) made “bad choices”, three (28, 24 and 18) of them are living lives I could never have anticipated or dreamed of. My daughter’s lives look nothing like I imagined when I held each of them as babies. In fact two of my daughters don’t believe they are my daughters anymore. Life has become simply a matter of choosing to love them as they are but it’s so, so hard to not feel like a failure. It’s looking less and less likely that MY life is going to look like I thought it would with adult children (weddings and grandkids) so I spend my days trying to figure out how to embrace what my future might look like with a lens of reality and not wishful thinking. It’s especially hard when I see the “normal” families with daughters who look like I thought mine would…dresses, boys, makeup. This life is hard. Thank you for giving me this chance to put my words somewhere instead of just in my head. I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life.
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry you’re navigating this road. I am going to be specifically praying for you in this chapter of your life. Sending you so so so much love. xx