Happy Wednesday!
I am sharing THREE different posts today.
First up, make sure you pop over the annual posting of the amazing THREE INGREDIENT PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFINS. Plus, I had a blog reader suggest I share one big list of all the HEALTH & WELLNESS BOOKS I’VE READ IN ONE PLACE, so I have that for you today too.
On top of those two things, it’s also time for this month’s LET’S LOOK!
If you don’t know what this is, once a month, Erika and I do a little link up where we “look” at different aspects of our lives (and then if you blog, you share and link up too!). We have been doing this little linky party for years now, and it’s always one of my favorite posts each month because most of the topics are YOUR suggestions!
Alrighty, just as a reminder, here’s what we’ve “looked at”so far this year…
In January, we looked at LOW LEVEL GOALS FOR 2025.
In February, we looked at HOW WE WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE.
In March, we looked at HOW WE RESET FOR THE WEEK ON SUNDAYS.
In April, we looked at MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS.
In May, we looked at OUR WELLNESS ROUTINES.
In June, we looked at OUR TRAVEL BUCKET LIST.
In July, we looked at THINGS I’VE CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT.
In August, we looked at JUGGLING FAMILY SCHEDULES.
In September, we looked at MANAGING TEENAGE LIFE.
This month, I am sharing a look at THINGS WE’VE SAID NO TO RECENTLY.
Well, unless you’re extremely new here, then you know that I’ve gotten really good at saying no.
Yes, I think it helps that I’m an Enneagram 8, but I actually think the reason I’ve been able to say it more often is that saying no is like working a muscle. At first, it’s weak and easily fatigued, but once you work that muscle often enough, it’s strong and supports you.
Here are just a few reasons I’ve learned to say “no” more often:
1: When I do say YES, I mean it as a Y-E-S! You (or I!) never have to question my yes. If I say yes, I mean YES!
2: I don’t like being frazzled. Me being frazzled isn’t good for anyone. Clearly, it’s not good for me, but it’s also not good for my husband, my children, my team members, and my other commitments. A frazzled me is never going to be the best version of me.
3: I do not have the time. There are a lot of things I would LOVE to do, but the reality is that I only have 24 hours in a day to fit it all in, so I have to prioritize. This doesn’t make the things I say no to “bad” nor does it make me a person bad for saying no. It simply means I do not have the time and that’s okay. Time is the one thing we can’t make more of and have a finite amount of, so we all better watch closely how we spend it and often, I can’t do that “thing” that is awesome/amazing/so good because I simply do not have the time. And that is okay.
4: My health and wellbeing are very important. The older I get and the more in tune with my own health and wellness I become, the more I realize that saying no so that I can get more sleep, go to the gym, have time to get my laundry done/house in order, go for that walk, connect with that friend is so valuable. I do not need to feel bad for saying “no” to something just because I really want that extra time to empty the dishwasher, run the vacuum and get dinner in the slow cooker. If those things are valuable to me and beneficial for my family, and doing them make me feel less frazzled/behind, then that’s okay.
5: People say no to me all the time, so why I can’t I say it too? I am often the one asking and being told no…and that’s FINE. I need to remember this when it’s my turn to say no. If people can (and should!) say no to me for their own personal reasons, then why would I feel guilty for saying it to others?
So those are a few of the reasons why I’ve learned to say no.
Here is a random list of things I’ve actually said no to lately (in no particular order).
They’re all GOOD things, but the timing of each one was just not in our family’s best interest at that specific point in time and/or just not going to happen and I needed to say no. These are just a few random examples:
1: Decorating the high school locker room for this week’s varsity game.
I had two hours between church and the cheer family cookout. I *could* have driven the one hour round trip to decorate for an hour, but I was able to get so much done at home during that time instead which set us up for a successful start to the week.
2: Going to the dermatologist for a chemical peel this week.
I was “due” for my annual chemical peel, but my week was just too full.
3: Extending the curfew of a teenager.
We try to be open minded and not too rigid about rules (we love a good discussion instead), but sometimes, the answer is just no. Be home on time. End of discussion.
4: Meeting someone for coffee.
I love to meet up with friends, neighbors and people from church, but I cannot do that all the time AND get my work done.
5: Making dinner.
It was the perfect storm of after school activities and commuting one day last week. I said no to dinner and yes to a little Mexican takeout place by our house.
6: Reading the novel someone sent me.
As you might imagine, I get sent a lot of books from people I know and people I don’t know. I used to feel like I had to read each and every one just because they were kind enough to send them to me, but I don’t any more. I have limited time to read and a list a mile long of books I actually want to read, so most of the time, I have to say no to books that show up in my mail. If I had all the time in the world…but I don’t.
7: Signing Smith and me up for a second year of YMSL (Young Men’s Service League)
Smith and I did YMSL his freshman year and loved the actual volunteering that we did. We did not love all the monthly meetings. We were missing out on things that we really wanted to do to sit in meetings. We decided this year to continue volunteering at a few of our favorite charities but not in a formal setting that included all the meetings.
8: Stopping for Swig after school.
I love to be fun mom after school some days…but there are many days when I have to be “no” mom.
9: A neighborhood Bible study on Friday mornings.
Some of my sweet neighbors are in a Bible study on Friday mornings. I would love to do this…but I work all day on Fridays AND this school year, Mades is home all day. My priorities need to be on those things first.
10: Working on a homecoming float.
I am not crafty. Being crafty does not bring out my best qualities (or my best attitude). I said no to decorating the homecoming float, but yes to lending out our trailer for said float and doing all of the cheerleader’s “neon” laundry after the glow in the dark pep rally. Those things are certainly in my wheelhouse.
Alrighty, let’s head to the comment section and chat about “saying no”.
Next time on Let’s Look, we are going to look at…
…HOW WE SHOW GRATITUDE!
Don’t forget, if you linked up today with us, please make sure you add your link below.
Also don’t forget I have THREE INGREDIENT PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFINS and HEALTH & WELLNESS BOOKS today too!
Have the best Wednesday, friends! xx
Diane Moore says
This is very timely. I just said No to an invitation. I know I don’t want to go and why I don’t, but because it’s family, I feel guilty. I’m using that muscle, though, and reminding myself it was someone else’s plans and timing that worked for her, not for me.
Kimberly Gray says
Oh man. This one hit home. I love so big it’s hard to “disappoint” them when I simply have to decline an invite or say no to a request.
One particular example that ISNT so hard is saying no to one relative who will consistently ask a favor that is a step too far. Like your first reaction is.. what ??? When you read the ask and your mouth falls open? It’s a no. Politely and respectfully. Sometimes those boundaries are easier to keep !
Jess says
You’re so right about this being a muscle that must be exercised! Lately my no answers have all been to things that I would love to do but I know myself well enough that these things would quickly require more than the initial expectation and turn something fun into something overwhelming.
Elspeth Mizner says
I’m such a people pleaser but saying no does feel good!!
I love your list!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
Amy Williams says
Thank you for sharing this list. Next year I’m planning on doing some facial treatments. Can you share with me which chemical peel you do? Honestly, I don’t know where to get started to begin to take advantage of what is out there. Thank you!
Mix and Match Mama says
I need to ask my dermatologist’s office for specifics. That could probably be an entire post! I personally don’t love chemical peels, so I only do them annually. They’re really affective though!
Amy H says
Gosh, I loved this post so much! I’m growing in my ability to say “NO.” I use to feel like I couldn’t let anyone down….I needed or should say “yes” to this or that “good” thing. If I did say “no” to someone or something, I would feel so guilty. But the reality is, if I say “yes” to something then I am saying “no” to something else. Taking a solid look at my priorities helps me say yes or no to what really matters for myself and my family!!
Laura says
I need to know- what is Swig?!
Mix and Match Mama says
A drink place with fun/sugary drinks 🙂 .
Amanda Wilson says
My biggest struggle is knowing when to say no. I actually do get offended by other peoples no because I think I rarely say no……so it’s offensive. Does that make sense?? I feel like I over think saying no….I’m always worried they really need me…..or I let people down.
I loved this post and I can feel more confident in my no’s being yes to the important things to me. That resonated with me.
Mix and Match Mama says
I could be totally wrong here (always take EVERYTHING I say with a grain of salt), but people who really know and love you don’t want you overextended/frazzled/too busy/stressed. I am sure people who love you want you to say yes to the right things and no to the wrong ones. xx
Amanda Wilson says
That’s a really good point. I might have to start saying no with an explanation of why until I get used to saying no lol.
Erika Slaughter says
I think we’re the SAME!!! I can feel that way too! I think that’s because the People Pleaser in us are always doing our best to be “YES” people so when people are quick to say “NO” to us, it can be offensive. I FEEL YOU!! This explains exactly why we’re quick to say, “YES”, because we don’t want others to feel bad that we said, “NO”.
Amy Grace says
I feel the same way, Erika!!
Amanda Wilson says
Thank you Erika!!! That’s exactly it……I’m going to work on this and try and reframe my thinking.
Sarah DeWald says
Thank you for the reminder that a “no” is okay. I need to work on saying no thank you with less guilt.
Krista F. says
I loved this post so much! I like to think that saying NO to others is saying YES to me and my family!
Beth Valenta says
This is such a difficult one for me at times. I am always saying YES to events. I love social things, but realize they wear me out. Knowing I have a Friday night to regroup and embrace that movie or read my magazines would be a better health choice after school all week. I have said NO to dinners out simply because it does not bring me pleasure. I have gone in the past and regret sets in.
Kristin says
I am trying to get better about saying no. I was just thinking that I could squeeze in attending a Bingo fundraiser that would give me time run home and pick up our daughter to take her to an event, and I realized NO! I support that organization financially, volunteer at one of their other fundraisers, and attend their events. I can take a pass and enjoy my Saturday more! Baby steps.
Lindsey says
Oh my gosh, I need to bookmark this post! SO WELL SAID!! Thank you for articulating what I’ve been vaguely feeling defensive and protective of lately – my time to just be and do things around my house that help me feel my best. It’s so easy to feel guilty saying no when you actually do have open time on the calendar. I find myself over explaining and over sharing how busy I am, when really, I just need to be confident in saying no. I’d love to hear any examples of how you say no when it is actually something you could technically make work. Thank you for posting this topic today!
Kirsten Howland says
The thing is, no one else knows that you could technically make it work. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline a request without justifying it. We don’t owe anyone our time or a breakdown of why something won’t work. Simply saying “I don’t think I can make that work” or “no, not this time” is a complete and valid response. It’s taken me a long time to grasp that. I hope it’s a helpful perspective.
Sarah M says
I struggle with this at my workplace. I am one of the youngest in the office among lots of people in their chapter of marriage, kid activities, etc. They get to say ‘no’ to work things that would take them away from the family life priorities but it seems that when it comes to me who may not run home to that YET, that my saying ‘no’ isn’t valid and I get the “well what do you really have going on” phrases that drive me batty. My time and well being are just as valid as anything else!
Mix and Match Mama says
It is!!!
Debbie Alsip says
Love this! So many women need a reminder that it is ok to take care of yourself and say no. Now, in my 50s, I can do it well. I wish I could go back to my 30s and say no earlier in life.
Heather says
I had signed my son up for YMSL his Sophomore year and we ended up not doing it. I know it’s a wonderful organization, but with baseball and another organization he’s heavily involved in (where he can help and volunteer too), I thought it would be too much. I had to tell myself, we can’t do it all. 🤗
Patti Kelso says
This post was just what I needed to read. I have such a hard time saying no, it’s almost impossible for me when someone asks me to do something. Even if I know I don’t have time, even if I don’t even WANT to do it, I will say yes every time. I need to stop doing that!! I don’t like letting people down….but I know at times I am being taken advantage of because of my willingness (or foolishness) of saying yes every time. Thank you for this post!!
Kirsten Howland says
And NO is an answer. You don’t need to justify the NO to anyone. Or explain it.
Pam E. says
Thanks for this post today , it really hit home for me. I love the quote above “It’s ok to say no if: #10 spoke to my heart today 😊 I had a volunteer function last week that I had been expected to attend and I just didn’t want to go. So I said no and did something that helped heal my grieving heart instead. I felt bad for a few days letting my group down but they did just fine without me. I lost my dear husband of 44 years last October and somedays I have to listen to what my healing heart needs and it felt good that day to say no. Thank you!
Elizabeth Feldpausch says
This was the exact post I needed today as our family faces some major life changes this year that is going to REQUIRE me to say no more – and it hurts every bone in my body right now. Thank you for encouragement to bring peace to my home first!
Cris says
Something that I would love to read more about, but that I respect you so much for saying “no” to, is your relationship with your teens. When You said that you had to say no to extended curfew, that was so relatable! I appreciate what a good job you do of protecting their privacy.
Mix and Match Mama says
Thank you 🙂 . They love me so much, but I’m not always their favorite person and I’m quite okay with that.
Richelle says
Have you seen the Friends episode where Phoebe is asked to do something & her response is “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.” Bahahaha!! My husband & I use that line all the time!
Mix and Match Mama says
Bahahaha! YES!
Jenn W. says
Someone once told me that “no” is a complete sentence. I often feel compelled to explain why I am saying no, but I am slowly practicing just saying no. Period 🙂
Mix and Match Mama says
I love this!
Holly K says
When I turned 40, 7 years ago, I decided that now that I was the respectable age of 40 who had spent far too many years NOT saying no and saying yes to things I would rather say no to, that life is way too short for that. It was also when I realized that not only can I say No but, and this is the most critical part, but I don’t have to explain or justify my Nos. My Nos are between me, Jesus, and my husband/immediate family (when it concerns or impacts them.) It was SO freeing to just say NO…full stop, end of sentence. The PTA president doesn’t really care or need to know your reason for saying no to working that bake sale or whatever, so there’s no need to stress about offering it. There are also no prizes for saying yes to everything. Reframing my mindset and taking ownership of how I spend my time (saying no so i can say yes to things that matter to me) and energy has been one of the biggest gamechangers of my life and I wish I’d changed it sooner. .
Mix and Match Mama says
PREACH!
Laura says
Wowwwww “there are no prizes for saying yes to everything” 🤯 thank you for sharing!
Jen says
I am now a wiser parent who still has 2 younger kids. I said no to being the class room mom. I work full time outside the home, own our own business and have 4 kids. The answer is just no now. You need some supplies or money, I’m your girl. My tween thinks I’m the meanest mom ever to saying no to starbucks every day and to last min friend hang outs. I need a plan and not a last min rush around event especially on a sunday evening
Paula Hobbs says
I learned really quick how to say “no” and mean it. I always got so frustrated as a child/teen when my mother would say “we’ll see” and 99.999% of the time that would mean NO. I’ve tried really hard to not use that approach in life or with my children. It’s such a disappointment when there’s just enough hope that “we’ll see” meant yes, when reality was it most always meant no. Like someone mentioned earlier, “NO” truly is a sentence in itself. Great post!!
Sarah says
This post was SO good. Thank you for being as specific as you were (and I agree that you protected your teen’s privacy well in this post). I love that some of them were “no,” and some were “no but I can do xyz.” This was really, really helpful to read about some of the ways you are setting boundaries with a world that asks us to do everything and be available at all times.
Travel question. I have the opportunity to travel for ~10 days in June or July with my husband (leaving kids behind) and we are picking between two destinations: Ireland or Alaska. We want to see beautiful nature, do some hiking, and soak up a different culture than where we live in the southeast US. We went to two countries in Europe last year so we’re not starved for an international trip, although Europe always appeals. Which would you pick? 🙂
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh gosh, I love both places, but if it were me, I would do that Irish trip. I think you would LOVE it! My travel agency would love to help with either 😉 .
Sarah says
Thank you!!! Appreciate the insight. We very well may reach out! Love your blog.
Joanne says
I am so great at saying no that people rarely even ask me anymore! My husband however is a yes man and my mother in law overheard me telling him that no is a word for a reason and if he wasn’t comfortable using no (it seems like no one in his family is!) try “oh I’d love to but I can’t.” or “I wish I had the time”… seriously her face lit up like it was an epiphany that a no didn’t have to be a harsh NO. She told me she was going to try that “I’d love to but I can’t.”
Elizabeth S says
As I have gotten older…I am way older than you, think your mom’s age :~) it is easier to say no. I find I need more time at home to enjoy what I have here. I worried about saying no and not getting any more invitations to do things. I do like to do things with other and have fun experiences but not all the time.
Cindy Davis says
I’m 64 and have just gotten to the place I can say no. It took all these years, but now it seems I can just blurt it out without even thinking ! 😂
Susie Harrold says
Could you share your “to-read” book list?
Mix and Match Mama says
Yes! Take a look at last year’s Books in Review post and look at all of my Top 3 books from years past. I recommend ALL OF THEM! https://mixandmatchmama.com/2024/12/2024-books-in-review/
Martha says
I love the last graphic you used – “Not because I’m busy, because I don’t want to be busy.” Precisely! I find we have no problem saying no when there is a “valid” reason – we work that day, we are out of town that day, we have a dentist appointment at that time. But when we say no to something during personal/flexible time we, for some reason, think that “no” isn’t valid. The beauty is knowing that no is no for any reason. 🙂
Katie Compton says
I have gotten SO much better about saying no as I inch closer to 50- 47 on Sunday! I’ve also been a people pleaser but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized I’m a person too! Two things that come to mind that I’ve said no to in the last couple of years:
1. Leadership roles at school. I’ve been teaching for 25 years and I’ve been language arts lead, mentor lead, PTO lead. I’ve discovered that I absolutely LOVE leading children, but not always leading adults. Ha! So I’ll stick with just my 2nd graders.
2. Social invites that take me away from my daughter and husband. This was more last year, when she was a senior. I wanted to soak up every bit of time, as I knew she’d be off to college come fall. Now, that she is away at school I am able to say yes more, but only if I truly want to be part of the social event. I’m really enjoying this new stage of empty nesting with my husband. It’s almost like we’re back to dating again! Except we go out around 4:30pm and are home by 8. LOL!
Holly C says
I can so relate to being a people pleaser and say yes…. thanks for all the reinforcements that no is okay!!!
Gail says
Wow, I have thoughts on this!
Pastor wife here that would frequently be asked to do things (you can imagine), so I always say “Let me check my calendar and get back to you’, which gives you a bit of time to think how it might affect your schedule, AND it is not a hard let down for the person asking. My usual answer if it is a NO, is “I am so sorry, that is not going to work for me” and l leave it at that.
Also, we always fill out our calendar with all the essential things first and then it is really easy to look at and know if my mental health can add a new ‘thing’.
I have a relative that would call and ask “what are you doing today?” Or “ what does your week look like”. Now I say “what is going on with you? Or what did you have in mind?” , so that I dont commit my not to busy day to something I dont really want to do.
Mix and Match Mama says
I love your perspective, Gail! Thank YOU so much for sharing!
Tamara R. says
I appreciate this post very much and have been working very hard on the No’s as well! I like to think of it as asking myself “internally” first what I want before worrying about the external reaction about the person I am saying No to. I listened to very helpful a podcast about how women tend to translate someone else’s disappointment at our “No” into our feeling guilty. It’s okay for someone to be disappointed, and we have to stop ourselves from taking on the associated guilt. For me, that (and FOMO) are the reasons I have struggled with the No’s. Also, as a mom of teens, I would love to hear more from you and other teen moms as to what rules we set in the first place (curfew, parties, how many trips to Dunkin are allowed each day (lol), etc.) and how to decide when we should bend them. That is another daily struggle!
Paula R says
Shay, First off… your content over the past year has been so “next level! “ Thank you for all the time, energy, dedication and devotion you put toward your blog.
We all appreciate the “meaty” topics as well as the light-hearted ones. Thank you for giving us permission to say no and safeguard our time and mental health.
Also, our No can be someone else’s YES!
I recently was offered a promotion at work, but knew it would add off-hours mental consideration and elements of stress.
I am content in my current position and had to decline the offer. Even my husband and teenage son knew it wouldn’t be a good fit and the new job would weigh heavily on me. The day after I declined, another co-worker stepped into the position. So my No meant an opportunity for someone else to say yes.
As I age in my 50s… I just don’t have the energy, strength and stamina that I once had and things often seem more overwhelming. I have to safeguard my peace at all costs! Thanks for validating us and offering the courage and freedom to say no.
Mix and Match Mama says
Paula, thank YOU so very much. xx
Faith Kapp says
I wholeheartedly agree with you. I just wish I had learned how to say no more when I was younger. So many good points and quotes!
Erin says
Remember when our kids were first learning to talk and they learned the word “no”? It’s all they wanted to say No! No! No!
Now as grown women we *don’t* constantly want to say no just for the heck of it, We want to use our no in a way that’s really valuable. When I say no to something, I think about the inverse: If I end up saying yes to something I don’t want to do, don’t have time to do, etc, then I imagine how miserable I’ll feel on the other side of it. I’ll be tired. Frustrated, stressed. That in itself is enough to give me all the gumption I need to say no.
Every no is actually a yes to something else.
Janet Teeter says
I have learned to say “no” and also not to follow my “no” with why I said no. I don’t need to explain myself. I can be polite and decline without feeling the need to justify my choice.
Thank you Shay, for reminding us of this life skill
Laura says
This was great. It’s one of your posts I’ll come back and reread again later! It is SO helpful to read that it’s okay to say no simply so I can catch up on dishes and laundry and be a better less frazzled mom to my family. Thank you!!
Bren says
Wonderful post, Shay! This one has been a struggle for myself, but as I age, I find I’m getting better at it. What I tend to see is so much comparison responding. For example, I’d say no and would get this type of response in return: “Well, I would like to say no too, but (insert all the things they are busy with here), and I still did/do it”. And for years, this type of response would have me changing my no to a yes, and then spending so much time regretting it. I’ve now learned (or shall I say, continue to learn) to say no, listen to them and then kindly reply, thank you for sharing, and sticking to my no. We’re all different. No comparison is needed. We each have what we can handle and what we cannot and it is okay to set our boundaries and say no. Whew! I really went on there.🙂 Thanks, Shay!
Mix and Match Mama says
That’s a harsh response from someone. Goodness, Bren. I hate that for you. I think if someone said that to me, I would say “then you should say no”. Clearly, they don’t seem to have much JOY in their yes if that is their response.
Kristy Moore says
Oh man, this self-proclaimed People Pleaser has such a hard time saying no! But I am trying to get in the habit of only committing myself to things I truly believe and want to invest my time in. And here’s one thing I recently said yes to….your suggestion of listening to the Unicorn Girl podcast. My word! How crazy was that?!!! Thanks for the suggestion!
Mix and Match Mama says
Wasn’t it fascinating?! I need a new rec like that one!
Amy says
I’m so grateful for all the people pleasers who responded to this post! My oldest daughter is a serious people pleaser and so many points were made here that I hope may help her! (If I can find a way to say them without making her feel “attacked” lol).
Also, I’m a PTA president. I definitely don’t need to know why you can’t do something! If it makes you feel better, the first people I ask are the ones I want to hang out with, not people I want to take advantage of. I’m just trying to help the school out and hang with fun moms at the same time. If you’re always being asked, take it as a compliment! But still say no when you need to. 😉 No explanations necessary.
Sara says
Oh my….I needed to see this today! Especially the YMSL bit. Same boat! I totally agree with you though. When I say yes, I’m saying Y-E-S!
A pledge sister of mine in college one time told me that I was a “yes girl” and it was such an eye opening moment for me. Every time I say yes or no now, I still think about the conversation we had that day. Crazy how the smallest of comments can make such a big impact!
Kelly Bonner says
I love this! The older I get, the easier it is for me to say no. I read Lysa Terkeurst book The Best Yes several years ago & I still tell people it was one of my very favorite/most life changing books. I’m with you, a frazzled me does not do anyone any good.
Mix and Match Mama says
I loved that book!!! I couldn’t agree more!
Martina says
What a great post! And great comments … really helpful and inspiring thanks!
Kerry says
Saying no allows a yes somewhere else. Time spent with my daughter is finite and I will choose that over other commitments every chance I get. Family is not forever like we wish it was so we must embrace the time we get.