Happy Wednesday, friends.
It’s another WELLNESS WEDNESDAY/SHAY’S WAYS COMBO!
Today’s blog post topic has been on my list for such a long time because YOU LADIES have asked me about it many, many times.
Today, I’m going to share my “ways” to FINDING COMMUNITY 🙂 .
I think “community” can mean a lot of different things.
I think there are communities like this one…online, not in “real life”, but a group that allows you to feel connected to others, share ideas, encouragement, and motivation.
I think there are communities that are in person but less personal (like the people you see regularly at your favorite coffee shop or at the gym).
I think there are communities around hobbies or church or sports or school…you are a “community” because of a shared passion/interest.
I think there are communities around where you physically live (your neighbors).
I think there are communities that are deep and personal and intimate.
And many more in between.
I really love to be in community with others, but it hasn’t always come easily for me.
I keep all of my prayer journals, and I have this one that’s yellow and from when Andrew and I were first-ish married (maybe the first three years), and it’s filled with prayers as I was trying to find a community in McKinney. We moved here and didn’t know anyone. Just the two of us worked in an office together. It was a lot of Andrew and Shay which was great…but I also really wanted to feel a part of a female community in my new town. I wanted neighbors and friends and well, I struggled to find it.
Over the years, as I’ve gotten older and wiser (and prayed a lot!), I’ve realized that the only way for me to find community is to make a big old effort.
Now, I’m not saying that’s the only way (I’m positive there are more!), but it has been the only way that’s worked for me.
For me, finding community has always been a result of my effort…meaning, I didn’t just sit around hoping for it, I had to actively find out.
Here are a few of the ways/places I found community:
1: CHURCH
Because I grew up in church, this is always the first place I go when looking to find community. Church has always been step one for me. When Andrew and I moved to Detroit, we started looking for churches right away. When we moved to McKinney, we visited church that first Sunday. That being said, just because you go to church doesn’t mean you’ll instantly find community. There is certainly a reason people visit multiple churches before landing on the right one. It’s not “one size fits all”. Of course, you need to make sure more than anything that the doctrine being taught there aligns with your faith and values, but you also need to make sure it fosters community. I have found all types of community in church. I literally found my best friend at church (hi, Erika!), but I also found some really great acquaintances through Bible studies and volunteering too. These aren’t my besties, but they’re people I enjoy visiting with, seeing on occasion, people who reach out if I miss a week, etc. Andrew and I have connected with other couples, he has met guys that he enjoys snowboarding/skiing with…a whole smorgasbord of community at all “levels” is right there at church.
My best tip though is that you have to put in the work. I personally haven’t been able to just show up at church, sit in the back, not talk to anyone, leave after the message and find community. I’ve had to put in the work of going to small groups, ladies luncheons, Bible studies, meet women for coffee, volunteer, and consistently attend.
2: THE GYM
I have worked out in a variety of places/ways over the years, and it’s always helped me find a little community. I’ve shared this many times before, but when Kensington was six weeks old, I joined a stroller based workout class for moms and kiddos and goodness, those ladies became my tribe for YEARS. As a new mom, I learned how to be a mom by spending time with them each day. We would load up our kids in strollers, do squats and run sprints, and chat all about life during the entire class. I didn’t know any of these women when it started and now, over 17 years later, I am still dear friends with so many of them.
After my stroller days, I joined a gym with a great kids program and headed to class while my kids were entertained. In those classes, I met such a nice variety of people. From young professionals to grandmothers, those years were spent getting to know a whole new group of people that made me feel a part of something each time I visited.
Fast forward to today, and I have a little gym community at my yoga studio. We aren’t nearly as close as that stroller group, but it’s certainly been so nice meeting these new friends (a mix of men and women), chatting about our weekends together as we set up our space at 5:15 in the morning, asking each other about our travels and pets…it’s just nice to show up and know people.
I think the key to finding community at the gym is consistency (classes, time of day, days of the week) and being engaging with others. It’s easy to put your headphones on and tune everyone out, but if you’re looking for community, be open to saying hi and connecting with your fellow gym-goers. Andrew met one of his very very best friends about 15 years ago at the gym. It’s absolutely possible.
3: NEIGHBORS
A few years ago, I shared with you guys that one of my New Year’s resolutions was to make connections in my neighborhood. We had lived here for many years and yet I still didn’t feel like I had “friends”. Honestly, I shared this with you guys because I needed the accountability and motivation. The problem wasn’t that there weren’t any potential friends in my neighborhood…the problem was that I wasn’t making an effort. I was “neighborly” with many, but I didn’t have any real friends. My mother-in-law always says that “people who want friends are friendly”, so I made a big attempt to be more friendly.
I started by sending a text out to a bunch of women in my neighborhood and inviting them to lunch. What better way to get to know people than on the patio of a Mexican restaurant with chips and margaritas. At that lunch, I legit said that I wanted to have more friends in our neighborhood and guess what? They did too. Ha! There were about 6 of us there, and we decided to start making an effort. We started by making a group text and inviting other women we each knew to join. We named it FAB (Friends Around the Block). Our group text is up to 16 ladies right now…and we’re all very different but very excited to be a part of this little neighborhood thread. We now get together about once a quarter. We have a Christmas hot cocoa and caroling night each December. We’ve had wine nights and book nights and “let’s just get together and chat” nights. We have invited our husbands and families for some of it and kept it just us for other things. We have brought meals to each other after surgeries. We have shown up to business grand openings and open houses.
Here’s what I learned after going out on a limb and texting random neighbors about lunch…I wasn’t the only one sitting around in my neighborhood looking for community. I was super nervous and felt awkward reaching out, but there were so many of us who wanted to connect. How fun is that?
People who want friends are friendly.
That’s some solid wisdom from my mother-in-law 🙂 .
4: SCHOOL/SPORTS/KID THINGS
Oh goodness, how I’ve made some sweet, sweet communities out of “kids things”. These communities tend to have a shelf life (sometimes, it’s just one sports season), but sometimes, dear, dear friends come from these meetings. I know this particular “way” doesn’t apply to everyone here, but if you’re looking for community and have kids…lean into the parents of the children doing life with your kids. Even if these people don’t necessarily become “friends”, it’s always so nice to know that when you show up to be “copy mom” for the PTA each week, you’ve gotten to know the other “copy mom” in there with you. There is such a sweetness spending time with other people doing “mom life” around you.
5: WORK
I know many, many, many of you have found your community through work, and I think that’s awesome. I absolutely love nine ladies I get to work with every day…and I love so many of our supplier partners and clients too. We’re all working towards one goal while simultaneously getting to know each other. It’s special to have a community at and through work.
6: BEING LOYAL TO ESTABLISHMENTS
Okay this one is random, but holy cow, it makes me feel a part of a community. I find that I “make a community” by visiting the same establishments regularly. Over the years, I’ve noticed that when I always visit the same grocery store or coffee shop or restaurant or boutique, I find a little community. They know me, and I know them. We banter and chat and it’s always so pleasant to see each other. Instead of just being a random customer, I’m a regular. And instead of them just being someone behind the cash register, they are people I know things about (their pets, their grandkids, their vacation plans). I just love that. I don’t have their phone numbers. We are not really “friends”, but we are in community together and it feels really nice.
7: ONLINE
And of course, I think you can find community even when you’re not in person. I have certainly, certainly, certainly found community here. In fact, this community is one of my most special and most profound. As important as it is to interact with actual humans in person, it is absolutely possible and meaningful to connect with strangers online. I know I’ve certainly been blessed by it.
Those are just seven places/ways I’ve created community in my life.
When I look back at the times I didn’t feel connected to people, often it was because I wasn’t making an effort to connect. The only thing that helped me “find my people” during those seasons were me making an effort.
I could (and perhaps will!) chat about community more. On the heels of returning from Nantucket, I certainly feel like we’ve made a community up there too. I don’t think God intended for us to do life all alone, so if you are out there and feel that way, goodness, I hope all you take away from me today is a little encouragement to seek a group. Please, please, please online community share your favorite ways to connect with others. I would love if we could all encourage each other to find a bit of community in their lives.
Alrighty, don’t forget, I have so many other SHAY’S WAYS you can check out as well.
Just look:
25 Keys to a Peaceful Morning
22 Keys to making Fall Cozy
19 Key Fall Kitchen Essentials
18 Keys to Prepping for a Trip
14 Keys to Simplify BACK TO SCHOOL
21 Keys to Savoring Summer
21 Keys for Working at Home {Summer Edition}
25 Keys to Outdoor Summer Entertaining
25 Keys to Maintaining our Yard
17 Keys to my Holiday Prep
11 Keys to a Cozy Winter
9 Keys to Returning from a Trip
12 Keys to Leaving Your Kiddos When You Travel
13 Keys to Meal Planning
8 Keys to Creating Daily Routines You Love
21 Keys to Elevating the Everyday
13 Keys to Managing Jet Lag
9 Keys to a Cozy Halloween Night
19 Keys to Hosting Festive & Easy Holiday Parties
12 Keys to Adding Activity into the Everyday
17 Keys to Working From Home
9 Easy Afternoon Energizers
14 Simple Luxuries
8 Keys to Finding a Gym
21 Ways I Hygge
12 Ways for a Happier Day
7 Keys to Reducing/Avoiding Motion Sickness
8 Ways to Add “Vacation” to the Everyday
10 Keys to Getting Ready to Workout
8 Ways I Stay Healthy When I Travel
7 Ways to Make the Holidays Fun for Teens
9 THINGS NOT TO DO AT THE GYM
Sending all of you so much love and sending you gratitude for being a part of this community. There are not enough words to show my appreciation.
Book Club is meeting today too. Head there now if you read April’s book.
Have the best day. xx
Bernadine says
I had a thought after seeing a blog idea yesterday… For those of us not on IG, it would be great to do a “Live Q&A with Shay” on the blog from time to time, either open-ended or focused on a specific topic.
You could open the comments for the day and let readers ask anything (travel tips, behind-the-scenes, recommendations, links, etc.), then reply directly, just like on IG. I know your comments are always open – but we could all then refer back to the blog multiple times that day to come read the comments too.
Mix and Match Mama says
I always, always love blog content ideas!
Natasha says
One of my absolute favourite communities is my online book club. We were all bloggers and during COVID, we started doing a Zoom happy hour once a month. A few months later it turned into a book club and we have read a book together, and discussed it, every single month since October 2020. Most of us have never met in person but we’re so close. We live in Ontario, Canada, Pennsylvania, Georgia, and Texas so we’re spread out! We have a WhatsApp group and an Instagram messages group for in between our meetings.
It took courage, and it still takes creativity, but community can be found wherever. You just have to look for it. And be brave! My original email, suggesting a Zoom happy hour was so full of “maybe you think this is weird/please be honest.” It took a lot of courage to send it but I’m so thankful I did!
Mix and Match Mama says
Wow! This is wonderful! I love that your community of readers 🙂 .
Elspeth Mizner says
These are such great places and ways to get involved! I’m planning on moving myself soon and this gave me great ideas to find my people!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
Lisa D says
I recently moved and my advise is to “be brave”, reach out and keep trying. I made a wonderful friend at the library children’s storytime with our grandkids, and now we meet up twice a week to walk and chat. I also reached out to several neighbors and now we have a little neighborhood group. It’s never too late to be friendly!
Sheaffer says
So much wisdom in this post!!!!
Jeanie says
I met my bestie at Mom’s Day Out 27 years ago! We have been through a lot of living together. Recently my husband and I moved from a house we had lived in for years to a new neighborhood. I think it’s been a hard transition. It is much harder to make friends when you are older. Just not as many common interests I think.
Mix and Match Mama says
I love this so much!!!
Sarah C says
I love all of this and so agree with the “consistency” piece- however, ours is consistently going to our local Mexican restaurant haha! We used to go every Friday just so I didn’t have to think about what we’re doing for dinner after a long week of teaching. And now… we know every person who works there on Fridays by name and our other “Friday night fams” who also go every Friday. The staff decorate and celebrate for our kids birthdays and some weeks we join tables and have dinner with another “Friday night fam”. I’m thankful for all my different communities, but never expected to find such a sweet (and some weeks spicy haha) one at our favorite Mexican place!
Mix and Match Mama says
I love this so so much!!! Thank YOU for sharing! xx
Sarah says
We do that too! We rotate between our neighborhood Mexican restaurant and another local place where we sit at the bar to eat and chat with the same bartender and all the others that come on Friday nights. So fun to see the same people loving the same food we do!
Paige E says
Such great tips! I’m in the weird phase of the kids going to college and losing some of those shelf life mom friends from school/events. Its a little sad, but maybe a natural progression? Thanks for verbalizing it! I’ll have to keep an eye out for the community opportunity!
Cindy Ourafaker says
Oh goodness gracious you have so many sweet sweet friends! You’re the best Shay!
Laci Murray says
I thank God every day for my community! I have different groups of friends and my life is enriched by them greatly!
Shannon L Proctor says
Thank you for sharing! This has been on my prayer list! I have friends, but I am lacking that core group of people.
Mandie Howard says
This is so well said!! We have moved a lot in our marriage(14 times in 18 years) and I used to be terrible at making friends and was so sad. But I learned that you HAVE to put yourself out there!!
You have to try!! People are usually so receptive if you try!!
Jessica Shobe says
I love this and am feeling it now. We moved from TX to North Carolina 9 months ago and it’s beginning to feel lonely. I know it takes effort, but putting yourself out there is hard. If anyone in this community lives in Harrisburg, Charlotte, Matthews, Concord, or any of the other surrounding areas, please let me know. We could meet for lunch and hey, we’d at least have loving Shay’s blog in common.
Rita says
Hi Jessica,
This will be weird (as I’m in Australia) I read Emily Henderson’s blog and one of her writers – Arlyn, just moved to North Carolina and I recall her mentioning some of those towns when writing for a place to live. Maybe you could reach out to her on the blog.
Olga says
Thank you for this topic ❤️ so good.
Susan P Fitzpatrick says
I love this topic! I thrive on being a part of various communities especially my neighbors. One way to meet neighbors is to host a meet and greet in your front yard similar to National Night Out. It doesn’t have to coincide with that event. Put a note in your neighbors mailboxes or on their porch inviting them to your front yard for a few hours. It doesn’t have to be fancy or long. Lemonade, snacks and name tags for a couple of hours on a spring or summer evening. Our neighbors down the street provided pizzas and we met in their driveway.
Mary Anne Duke says
I am reaching out here….i am one of your “older” as in age, followers. Wondering how many of us are out there? Any willing to try and set up a side of “oldies but still goodies” ladies? Don’t know how however might be fun to try.
I started a be Happy Bible study in my home after covid. Such a lonely time and was determined to bring about some sunshine. My church is the best way for me to find community…we have started a neighborhood book club which is great as well. My children, grands and hubby are also my community but, there is nothing like girlfriends.
Thanks for your blog…I get many great ideaS,
Mix and Match Mama says
I love this idea so much! xx
Diane Moore says
I am also in the grandmother stage yet still love Shay and her blog.
Nice to meet you, Mary Anne!
Becky Carl says
Mary Anne, Im here! 70 yrs young. I’ve been following Shay since 2012 and have never missed one of her posts! She just doesn’t realize how much she’s helped so many people all over the world over the years. The one thing she has done for me as a “senior” follower is she keeps me young in my dress. Granted, I could never pull off Shay’s figure but I have spent more money at Amazon than most anything in my life, LOL! And her recipes have given me such great dinner ideas. Some of them are regular at our house now. I talk about Shay and her family to my husband all the time; we even traveled through McKinney while I hoped to run into her but unfortunately not. I have had my eyes and prayers over everyone of her children and loved so much when she and Andrew adopted Ashby and Mades. I feel like I could set at her table right now and be instant friends.
So I hope this starts your “oldies but goodies” group. We are getting ready to move to Travelers Rest, SC and the first thing I plan to do is find “our” church. But I would love to figure out a way to have online friends.
Dana P says
What a precious comment! I’ve been busier than normal so I’m just catching up this week. What Becky says here is how so many of us feel. You have made a difference in so many people’s lives, Shay.
Sil says
Two years ago we moved to a new development that was being built in a city a couple of hours from where we had been living. We didn’t know anyone at all. We were the second ones who moved in and I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go meet every new person that moved in and ask if they would want to be on a phone/email list for the neighborhood. The second person I asked, who happened to be a graphic designer, said she wanted to knock on doors with me and offered to make a map with everyone’s names on it, in addition to a much nicer phone list than I could have done. Two years later we live in a community with 35 houses and everyone knows everyone. We have a Band app group just for the ladies in our community, we play Bunco once a month while the guys play poker and we celebrate birthdays every month. We happen to have a Zumba instructor in the neighborhood and many of us work out together at least twice a week and go for neighborhood walks twice a week. In December we send a group of the men to the houses of our neighbors who want Christmas lights but aren’t able to put any up themselves. If someone needs help moving a couch they post on our ladies Band group app and at least 5 husbands show up. We have a small 4th of July parade every year and this year started a Christmas parade in the neighborhood. It has been a life changer living in a community where we all know each other and genuinely like each other. There are a few people who choose not to be as involved and that is ok too, but they know that if they ever need anything we are here for them. I am an introvert homebody so it was a big change for me to step out of my comfort zone, but it was so worth it!
Mix and Match Mama says
Thank YOU for sharing!!!
Hammondzoo says
Your post today resonated with me. We are downsizing and selling our home and potentially moving out of state. It’s a choice to move out of state (there is a financial benefit) and I’m struggling with leaving my “community”- church, gym, neighborhood (I have a dog and know 100+ dogs in our neighborhood). The question is, will I build the same community in our new location or is my community worth staying for. 🙂
Mix and Match Mama says
That is a QUESTION! I feel like if you know how to grow a good community (which it sounds like you do!), you can absolutely do it again.
Jennifer Maynard says
All good suggestions. Any suggestions on not having to be the one that does the inviting all the time? I try and set up girl’s dinners every once in a while with different groups of friends but it is exhausting always being the one that initiates these things. Makes me feel like they don’t really want to be with me unless I ask them to hang out with me.
Mix and Match Mama says
I feel you. I do so much inviting…but honestly, I want community, so I just do it because at the end of the time with my “community”, I’m blessed by it. I don’t think it’s personal AT ALL. I think so many just don’t invite but are always so happy to be invited.
MelanieL says
Hi Jennifer! I’m the never invite but almost always accept an invitation friend. It sounds like you have a lot of friends like me and trust me, you are very valuable to them! On the flip side, I can see how it can be exhausting. But just know I’m very thankful for my invite friends. ❤️
Tina says
I came to a realization recently, that in the last 5 years I can count on one hand the number of times someone has intentionally reached out to me to do something together. I am exhausted and I’ve given up…atleast for now. I can’t help put take this personally. My heart is tender and while I’m lonely, so lonely, I simply cannot keep being the only one who seems to want to make community. Even before we moved to this tiny town where I am a “come here” person (as opposed to a “from here”), I used to host all sorts of parties/gatherings at my home for a variety of groups of people…not even one single time was I invited to someone else’s party or gathering. I truly believe that I am the problem but have no idea why. I long for deeper connections but for now have to be satisfied with the friendly barristas at our local coffee shop, who always remember my drink order. Sorry to be such a downer!
Mix and Match Mama says
You are not a downer, and I absolutely believe YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. You are collateral damage of this era where we are all so “connected” via online and not in real life. I miss living in “real life”. I’m so sorry you’re lonely, but please know that I do not believe for one second that YOU are the problem. Sending you so much love. xx
Amy says
I remember being in the season of newly married and moved to my husband’s hometown. The women were nice but I didn’t feel like I fit in because they were childhood friends. I joined a women’s junior service league. It was a community of women volunteering in non-profits suppprting women and children. I started organizing a monthly dinnner meet up at different restaurants for anyone wanting to attend. I met my best friends girl group this way. We now attend Pilates every week and go on trips together. I’m so blessed for finding my people. You definitely have to put yourself out there and “date” your friends to find those you mesh.
K.K. says
Such an important part of wellness is community!!! I really appreciate this post. You know what it makes me think of, Shay?
https://mixandmatchmama.com/2014/03/fifty-two-shades-of-shay-girlfriends/
I LOVED how you addressed friendship in that post and what’s appropriate. I agreed then about not wanting drama and being free to hang out with whoever and not having jealousy, and I agree still. Those are GREAT friendship qualities. I’m not sure why your clear perspective was so helpful that day that it stuck out so much, but probably because I was feeling like I should maintain some friendships that I should have just let be a season!!
Cherri White says
Thanks Shay, I needed this encouragement today!
Allison says
You worded the sports type friendships absolutely perfectly, shorter shelf-life, couldn’t have said it better myself! Yes, some definitely tend to turn into more, but for the most part, they’re fun and great but short-lived during that team’s… well…. shelf life lol! Great post, thank you!!
Laura Crenshaw says
I needed to read your post today. After becoming a widow very unexpectedly 5 years ago, I find that my old community is so different now because we were couples then. And I had to find a new church because it was so hard walking in without my side kick.
I am one that really needs communities but I struggle with reaching out.
You have inspired me. Thank you again and again.
🩷🙏
Mix and Match Mama says
Goodness, sending YOU so much love, Laura. xx
Beth Valenta says
I love these and so appreicate my different communities. My husband always says aren’t some of those just accquaintances? I am like I need each one or many at diffferent times that lift me up. I have a walking club, a game night of ladies, my teacher community with many that have left my school and I still see them, and my bestie community filled with so much laughter and being real as women. Reading in this community with you, is definately one of my daily bright spots.
Amber Simmons says
Thank you so much for this, Shay. I always enjoy your blog so much. Recently, I sold my business and I never realized just how much community that provided for me.
Because of that, I’ve been more intentional about reaching out to friends in new ways and even starting to build an online community of my own.
I read your blog every day and always look forward to your tips, your wisdom, and especially your Godly perspective. Thank you for being so open and honest, and for reminding us that community often starts with us. 💛
Kourtney Sluder says
Shay, I just wanted to share that about 5 years ago I listened to one of your & Erica’s podcasts about this same topic and it inspired me. I remember y’all saying in order to have friends, you have to be a friend and that very week I reached out to one of my neighbors – we had both just had babies a few weeks apart and now she is one of my dearest friends. That has always stuck in the back of my mind. Fast forward to now, we moved to a new place about a year ago and I’ve been able to build community pretty quickly by just putting myself out there anyway I can – small groups, talking to neighbors, talking to moms at tennis and dance, etc. I ask people for their number or add them on social media also. Sometimes it’s awkward at first but you’re right, what you find is that all these other ladies are also looking for community and a lot of times just need someone to initiate first. Thank you so much for inspiring me!!
Mix and Match Mama says
Wow! This is such a special comment to read this morning. I am so grateful you have created community too. xx
Jennifer C. says
You described it perfectly, Shay! I was just saying last night that my kids’ school community had been one of the greatest blessings to me. But part of that is because I got involved – I volunteered, chaperoned field trips, chatted with other parents at events, and have a group chat with the girl moms in the class. Not everyone has that kind of experience…but because I put myself out there, I have. Our baby will be in 8th grade next year and I’m already sad thinking about saying goodbye to our dear school. But I know there are more communities to be found. ❤️
Hope says
Find an organization that is meaningful to you and your family. My parents volunteer for Meal on Wheels and have reconnected with people that hadnt seen since high school. Through MOW they get to know the people they are serving and their families. We are active at church our community and they have even made friends with people at my daughters school just by always showing up. Taking that first step is scary but it usually only takes a smile and an ice breaker like Good Morning, Have a great day or I love you scarf you’re wearing. My mom in particular meets with a few other grandmother’s from my daughter’s school and they will go out to lunch or coffee every so often. They will send a random text checking on or simply mailing them an Thunking if you card. Once you take the first step, you will be rewarded in ways you never imagined.
Mix and Match Mama says
Thank you so so much for sharing and encouraging today. xx
Faith says
Still thinking about this post a day later- these years of younger children and babiesand anticipating homeschool are interestingly my driest with friendships.
Your conviction of being the one who invites and initiates community is not what I wanted to hear but is what I needed to hear as there are many excuses I could through out there; however, ultimately, I need to be more intentional (less afraid of germs haha) and accept not every friendship has to be a kindred spirit, but I can pray for those likeminded relationships to be found.
Thank you, big sister Shay!
Also, any Shay ladies in the south of Atlanta area-hit me up! faithparnell@gmail.com 🙂
Leanne says
My mother gave me very similar advice to what your mother in law gave you. She said “To have a friend, you have to be a friend.” Sitting back and waiting for others to make the first move doesn’t work very well. I’ve taught the same to my children & grandchildren.
Elizabeth Whisler says
Thank you for this. We just recently moved to a new city…and state… and are empty nesters. I was just discussing this with my husband about needing to meet people here and without the kid/school connection it seems daunting. This gave me some ideas!!